All eyes on arse

Nick Siegel

Wearing sweat pants in public has always been a little bit unacceptable, but even I will admit that a few times I have found myself in Downer sporting these leisurely trousers. However terrible it is to wear normal sweat pants in public can be doubled or even quadrupled when the pants have a sports team or brand name embroidered on the seat.

I promise you one thing: YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME WEARING THESE IN PUBLIC OR PRIVATE AND IF FOR SOME REASON YOU DO, YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO GIVE ME THE DIRT NAP.

The truth of the matter is that these trousers are incredibly offensive for the following reasons:

1. You’re wearing your pajamas in public; couldn’t you at least get your act together before Saturday brunch? After all, it’s only 12:30 p.m.

2. People feel uncomfortable when they see “LUST” on your backside. I would find it incredibly hard to believe that the swim team didn’t see a coincidence between the literal meaning of the word that is their team’s acronymic name and the feeling one might have while looking at the back mid-section of another’s body. This isn’t cute.

3. Many of you would be openly upset if you saw a complete stranger looking at your butt. If you wear these sweat pants, you have no right!

If the name of your sports team (or in some instances the place where you do your shopping) is on your backside, you become a walking advertisement. People (such as Americans) will look at your end, so don’t get all huffy when it happens.

4. Many of you would appear to be openly disgusted when somebody looks at your bottom, but inside you would think this is wonderful. Please don’t use silly gimmicks to draw attention to your arse. How about engaging in pleasant conversation that may possibly lead to your bottom in the long run. You’ll find this to be much more spiritually rewarding.

5. Some people will see that their butt is just a normal, plain, non-corporate butt and thus will feel inferior because their ass is not Abercrombie. I wish to tell these people to not be seduced by this trivialization of the beautiful human backside by using it as a canvas for corporate advertisement.

6. And finally, don’t you think you should be giving your ass a little bit more respect in general? I’m sure that if we didn’t always trivialize the human backside by linking it to lame fashion statements, macho sports team pride, and/or anything else of this nature, we would all be more comfortable with our own bodies.

You might think that I am making a big deal out of something that seems irrelevant, but hear me out; do you really think that this is flattering your buttocks? If anything, all sweat pants do is make you butt look droopy. All that embroidering “LUST” on the seat does is add to this sideshow. Don’t let sports teams and/or corporate America reap the booty from your booty.

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