Higgins spams faculty one too many times

Peter Gillette

In a rare assertion of authority, Dean of the Faculty Brian Rosenberg decided to revoke Econ Professor John Higgins’ email privileges for the remainder of the year.”This was a difficult decision to make, but I believe it will double his output for the university, and also aid in some bandwidth problems that Rob Lowe hasn’t dealt with yet,” said Rosenberg.

The email problem began with Higgins’ role in emailing out sci-hall colloquium notices, but has risen to all-faculty emails written in parliamentary language, saying only that “the calendar commission cannot make everyone happy” in 623 words.

The calendar email and a couple “interesting forwards” spammed to members of “the Lawrence Community” were only the culmination of a dangerous emailing spree that came to a head last July, when retiring Econ professor Corey Azzi challenged Higgins to a duel.

“Corey was upset that John kept emailing him articles from the Economist, even though they both subscribe to it,” explained stats Professor Joy Jordan, with a smile. “I still don’t understand why anyone has to get so angry. I guess that’s why statistics should never be applied to such a dismal science.”

In the fall-out of the Lysistrata controversy, some members of the Lawrence faculty have brought forth a motion that only tenured professors be allowed email access. But not all of the old cranks are of the same mind. “I appreciate emails from my younger colleagues. Without their input, perhaps my scholarship would become stodgy, or dated,” said professor emeritus Minoo Adenwalla, who could not give a valid opinion considering he still uses a typewriter.

Professor Hah took a different take on the situation, suggesting that ONLY emerti be granted email privileges: “Higgins get D. God get B. Only Hah gets email.” Gerald Seaman, assistant dean of the faculty, cautioned that Hah’s opinion is tainted by the bet he placed on the potential Azzi-Higgins duel.

Higgins could not be reached for comment.

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