Sage quad residents issue “48 Hour Ultimatum” against filth

Robert Levy
Speaks loudly and carries a shaky stick

Sage quad residents issue “48 Hour Ultimatum” against filth (Robert Levy)

In an unprecedented move towards what has been termed “aggressive cleanliness,” the residents of 419 Russell Sage Hall have issued a 48 hour ultimatum against Filth. “We’re giving the mess two days to relinquish its tyrannical hold on our room,” quad resident Joe Wells said Friday at 0200 GMT. “We have reasons to suspect that the mess is harboring dirty dishes, empty beer bottles, unwashed socks, and an untold number of wadded bits of paper with Apocryphal messages scrawled on them.”

The Department of Homeland Sanitation immediately raised the color-coded filth alert level to magenta, and claims that there is a “high risk” of retaliatory attack on the behalf of the general clutter.

Security at the room’s waste management facilities has been restricted, with the Senior Advisor of Dormitory Health issuing the following statement: “If it’s yellow, we’re going to let it ‘mellow,’ however; if it happens to be brown, we hold no reservations about ‘flushing it down’.”

Already the residents of Sage have begun organizing anti-cleaning demonstrations. Activist Garrett Bredeson called the attacks, “[un]warranted” and suggested that the “aggression” is an “act of [un]mitigated imperialist hostility.”

In a campus address resident Gerald Marsh claimed that “All the weeks of clutter and confusion have now reached an end.”

In response to allegations that the preemptive assault on filth constituted a breach of Residence Life policy, Marsh claimed that, “. . .we aim to send a message to the filth of this building that its regime of disorganization will no longer be tolerated.”

When asked to explain what he meant by this assertion, Marsh offered the following elucidation: “For too long have we sat idly by while this filth encumbered our daily lives, we want to assure the building that soon this mess will be removed from power.”

Fellow resident and commander of tactical filth removal forces Matthew Von Olen told reporters that he “is prepared to commit” to what Marsh is calling a “concerted and concentrated effort” to reduce unsightliness.

In response to the growing concern about potential casualties in this conflict, Von Olen said “we are prepared to make sacrifices,” and offered further that, “we have no doubts that we shall be sending some of our best men directly into harm’s way.”

Chief Executive Officer Phred Beattie was unavailable for comment.

It is unclear as of now whether the strikes will begin as soon as the 48 hour time limit expires; however, Marsh said that the attacks would be launched “at an hour of our choosing.” Marsh further offered that, “the time for negotiations has passed, the only resort available is an assault with all the weapons at our command.”

Officials in the Quad assured the press that this confrontation with the Filth did not represent an affront to messes campus-wide. Joe Wells spoke to the mounting concern saying, “We would like the entire campus to know that we respect the rights of well-mannered and law-abiding filth.”

Residence Life officials are suggesting that this attack on Filth will be much wider in scope and involve more high-tech filth fighting weapons than were used in the Brokaw Hall strike of 2000.

“Filth fighting technology has progressed to the point where we can now isolate a particular filth stronghold and eliminate it with much greater precision and accuracy,” says Sage Hall Director Chris Cook. “We are expecting that the other rooms in this building will be undisturbed by this offensive, although we are urging residents to take precautions.”

Von Olen suggested that “the other residents need not be alarmed, operations will be launched only at Filth harboring precincts.”

In his press conference on Thursday afternoon, Von Olen claimed that, “We are behind Mr. Marsh all the way, we simply will not stop until the threat of this Filth has been removed.

This toilet is believed to house biological weapons of mass destruction. (Robert Levy)

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