Campus weather report

(Robert Levy)

Virginity levels are expected to drop dramatically as we move into a high blood-alcohol-content zone late Friday night and persisting through Monday afternoon. Everything in Kohler Hall this week still remains frozen. Temperatures this weekend will soar, approaching freezing; but no thaw should be expected for some time yet. All weather activity, like everything else in this region, will be isolated and is not expected to interact with other campus weather patterns. Travelers will likely encounter recurrent flurries of anti-war sentiment in the lobby of Downer Commons. Long traffic delays continue to clog C-line, and more unexplainable phenomena have been reported in the A-line. Downer will continue their National Weather Month tribute to ethnic weather patterns with an El Ni¤o Festival this week, featuring such homegrown Chilean specialties as “Chilean cornbread,” “Tierra del Fuego blend vegetables,” and, of course, chilies. High winds are likely to result in select bathroom stalls across campus.

Residents of the Conservatory are advised to seek shelter at all times in the basement! As always this is a HIGH PANIC(!!!) situation! Remember, the conservatory does not contain any vending machines, so occasional short trips into the frightening and hostile world outside may be necessary. Try to keep these to an absolute minimum! A high-pressure zone will also remain in place in the New Science Hall for much of the term.

Visitors to the Warch residence this week will find “robust” conditions ranging from sunny and Eden-like to “clothing optional.” The situation has been reported to be “very comfortable.”

Clouds of questionable haze have been reported in the Ormsby men’s floor bathroom. Those planning a trip through this area can expect extreme highs.

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