Brokaw pledged to become “NonJehova’s-Witness Free” dorm

Robert Levy
Haitian translator extrodinaire

Assistant Dean in charge of Residence Life, Amy Uecke, announced late last term that Brokaw will be used for student housing next year after all, albeit in a new category to be termed “Non-Jehova’s Witness Free Housing.””Well, we’ve had problems with really pushy, institutionalized evangelism at certain dorms. And what we like to do at Lawrence when students can’t get along is to ghettoize the offending group,” Uecke said.

The move was going to go to a vote, but Residence Life committee chairwoman Megan Brown was very insistent at LUCC meetings, that housing mailings needed to go out in middleMarch at the latest. LUCC acted unilateraly, then.

Cole Delaney had an opinion about the matter, but frankly, we’re all a little sick of him.

Then main problem with the new Non-Jehova’s Witness Free Housing program is that only a very, very small number of LU students practice the denomination. “We need Lawrence to resemble the rest of the nation at large,” said Dean of Multicultural Affairs Rod Bradley “and some members of that nation are Jehova’s Witnesses. So it’s a natural step in our school’s evolution.”

Bradley added that Prince recently converted to Jehova’s Witnessism,* and Prince’s comeback album, entitled “The Rainbow Children,” justifies a fresh new look at the evangelists.

To recruit more Jehova’s Witnesses, Dean Steve Syverson, who was very cooperative and jovial, asked all prospective students to fill out a new application. The new application asks four questions: “Are you a Jehova’s Witness?” “Would you mind living with Jehova’s Witnesses?” “Do you think that a four-story firetrap that lacks an elevator ought to have ever been used for student housing?” and “Did you take the ACT?”

Syverson reported back that, in addition to filling Brokaw next year, the new application process had the much-needed effect of bringing admissions rates back down. “The class of 2007 comes from one country and three states,” Syverson said. “Please stand. Now sit down if you are from Wisconsin. Now sit down if you are a Jehova’s Witness. Thank you, and welcome to Lawrence!”

The 13 Freshpeople, all Jehova’s Witnesses or sympathizers thereof, will be taught Freshman Studies by John Dreher. The students will be allowed to evangelize to those in their dorm, and the local congregation has clearance to use the Brokaw residential lobby as an evangelism center.

*This is not an April Fool’s joke: Prince really is a Jehova’s Witness.