Memory of Goldgar to be preserved ad nauseum

Robert Levy
Wants to be buried next to John Philip Sousa

Following the recent death of Professor of English Bertrand Goldgar, Lawrence has decided to preserve the memory of its most politically incorrect faculty member for future generations by freeze-drying and sealing him in a plastic encasement to be permanently displayed in the lobby of Main Hall. The preservation plans will proceed once Goldgar decides to cooperate with school officials. Goldgar’s uncanny ability to avoid rigor mortis and continue teaching despite death remains unexplained, but the administration expressed a willingness to work around this scientifically impossible phenomenon.

President Rik Warch explained, “Once Bert decides he has had enough of giving midterms with absurdly obscure identifications, we think he will agree to die legitimately. Then we ship him to the taxidermist for preservation.” Warch added, “I think he will be a fitting addition to the dcor of Main Hall.”

The rather unconventional means of memorializing the cynical Georgian were decided upon at a recent faculty meeting on the subject after history professor Ed Kern suggested, “Does anybody like me yet?”

In her appallingly typical fashion of saying totally irrelevant nonsense, fellow department member Gina Bloom offered the following non sequitur: “I noticed him shuffling toward the union the other day and asked him where he was going,” she recalled. “He said he was slouching towards Bethlehem to be born. I’m like pretty sure it’s a quote from Frankenstein.”

When told of the remark Goldgar quipped, “She’s an idiot, plain and simple. I’m almost entirely certain they hired her just to spite me. I blame that jerk, that pasty-faced loon Rik Warch.”

Despite these scathing yet accurate assessments, Goldgar did not seem entirely displeased with the prospect of being permanently displayed in Main Hall. He smiled wryly and noted, “This should really piss off those gender studies types. After all, no one will be saving them for posterity.”

Chances are students will not be admiring the post-mortem professor for at least another decade. Goldgar stated, “They assume just because I’m dead that I will want to retire soon. I intend to stay until Dintenfass leaves. After that, I would be completely surrounded by imbeciles, and no one would get my jokes, so that’s when I will call it quits.”

When asked to comment on the situation, Peter Fritzell rubbed the back of his head and paced back and forth several times before commenting, “Goldgar is dead. Hah! Not in that sentence! Irony! Shit! Try again…

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