D.E. Flowers fired for post-streak sex, pickpocketing

Rik Warch
Really, now, what’s the big deal, anyway?

Andrew E. Flowers, formerly a mid-level Lawrence University administrator, was fired yesterday for his part in a sexual encounter last May following the “Senior Streak” post-party in the Viking Room. “There’s a line, and Andrew crossed it. Where exactly that line is we can’t say, but Drew crossed it,” said Shraul Pode, who could not confirm or deny whether Flowers had been fired.

A security tape of the incident surfaced on bangbus.com last weekend. The party was, according to Pode, “way out of hand.” Flowers can be seen on the video scantily clad and dancing with a very drunk (and officially unnamed) sorority member atop the VR pool table and subsequently departing the party with her, despite the fact that she could hardly walk.

Rumors of the incident had been circulating ever since the event, but the Sexual Harassment Assault and Assault Resource Panel (SHARP) wanted to build a case in addition to the tape.

“Sex on an equal playing field is one thing, but when you take advantage of a drunk college student who has obviously shed her inhibitions is a lack of judgment we cannot even begin to tolerate,” said Herald Seaman, who chairs SHARB.

“Yes, go ahead and laugh. I realize that my last name is Seaman, and I adjudicate matters of sexual harassment. It is a tad funny,” he added.

SHARP ran into a problem when the girl didn’t exactly regret the encounter: “He’s and kind of cute, and I have to admit, he wasn’t a bad lay. Was it a little weird to wake up next to him? Yes, but hey, it’s a party,” she told SLARK in a confidential interview.

The two were so drunk that neither can remember for sure whether protection was used.

“No glove, no love, no job,” Warch told Flowers in a meeting last week.

Still, though, SHARP and President Warch decided that enough was enough. “Look, this could be a lawsuit later in life if the young woman got pregnant or gets depressed or something, or becomes infertile,” added Greg Volk in a top-secret memo entitled “D.E. Flowers Terminated.”

Exactly what Flowers was doing at the party remains under dispute. Some have suggested that Flowers, a Lawrence University graduate, may have just been reliving “glory days” of parties past. Documents obtained by SLARK, though, suggest that Flowers may have been present at the party as conduit for an elaborate pickpocket ring that may have existed for decades.

“Their pants are on the floor, they’re going to the ATM constantly for drinks. I mean, why not re-channel some of that potential alcohol abuse into The Lawrence Fund?” Volk added in “D.E. Flowers Terminated”, attempting to explain the practice.

Fearing that the practice of theft would be uncovered, Warch and Nancy Truesdell decided that the organized Streak ought to be cancelled and Flowers terminated.

“I mean, it would be different if the student was a male senior and the mid-level administrator female. Somehow, it would be,” Truesdell said, adding “This is all part of my philosophy of leadership: ‘Wear teddy bear sweaters and carry a big stick.’