Surprise! Goldgar Died…

Rik Warch
Who can finally return to the Grill

Professor of Inhumanities Bertrand Goldgar joyously passed away at his podium during an 11:10 meeting of Major British Writers II yesterday from a massive heart attack suffered when he saw three female students don the first short skirts of the spring season.”You know God must have hated Bert,” said Boldt Professor of Liberal Studies Tim Spurgin, who added: “He was just beginning his last lecture ever, and it was on Mary Shelley, who we forced him to add . You know, once he cracked the binding of Frankenstein, I suppose it was fated to happen.”

English major Joey Gillingsford saw the scene unfold. Gillingsford reports that Goldgar, scowling, stormed into the room and frantically began standing on a chair to erase an Intro to Gender Studies “idea map” about the cultural construct of sexiness. Goldgar then fell, but, miraculously, lived.

But as the feminists began to leave the room and class began, Goldgar was finally offered his first truly appropriate opportunity to critically disembowel Frankenstein “the way I would in Freshman Studies-if they even LET me teach it anymore.”

Gillingsford, who was the only full witness since he was auditing the 9:50 Gender Studies class, remembers the scene like it was yesterday…because it was: “A trio of freshwomyn girls, who were comfortable looking sexy, walked in with low-cut tops and sarongs some may view as suggestive, and obviously he did. He was luring at them something awful. He had it coming.”

Goldgar reportedly told the girls, all conservatory vocalists taking their first English classes since AP, “Now that’s what I call the cultural construct of sexiness,” with a sly, creepy wink. Gillingsford reports that the girls were shocked, but several other witnesses suggest that they may have relished the attention. That’s when his heart just couldn’t handle the sight of their legs and the feel of Shelley’s words against his eyes.

Slamming his book down on the podium, Goldgar’s dying words we “I always told them they’d hire a female president under my dead body…I mean, ov…Dammit, my dying words are supposed to be Alexander Po-!”

President Warch, obviously saddened by Goldgar’s death, decided that, since Goldgar obviously hated life and loved to grumble about colleagues, Assistant Professor Gina Bloom ought to deliver his eulogy.

“I think, somewhere in his Renaissance-literature loving, twisted, sexist little sick mind, he would have wanted it that way,” Warch said.

The funeral will be held at 12:35 PM Monday in the Union Grill where Bloom will reprise her award-winning, fifty page cultural presentation “Gender Confusion and Birkenstocks: A Patriarchal Life Appreciated.