Enough griping. The Op-Ed section of The Lawrentian has served as a podium for the perturbed populace long enough. Today I offer no apologies, admonishments, or attacks; only solutions to Lawrence’s problems.
Within the diverse student body at Lawrence, perhaps the most friction and conflict of interest occurs between athletes and Conservatory students. From debates about budget allocation to scheduling overlaps, a great gulf has divided these two Lawrence camps for as long as most of us can remember. We can quell all strife between these groups through one very simple action: arranged marriages between athletes and Connies. If each athlete were paired with a Conservatory student for a lifetime of love and commitment, perhaps soccer game attendance would finally match that of orchestra concerts. Skeptics of this Hapsburgian approach to politics might protest that arranged marriage is an unreliable method for matchmaking, and that said unions are likely to end in divorce. The foolish decisions made by young adults who are “in love,” however, cannot compare to the wisdom and foresight of a sober administration. If the marriages last a minimum of four years, our mission will have been accomplished.
Vandalism has plagued the campus in recent years, from break-ins at the downtown parking ramp to the recent destruction of the clock near Main Hall. The elimination of such liabilities as clocks and automobiles would solve this problem in the quickest and most cost-efficient way. After all, it doesn’t cost anything to use the sun as our timekeeper, and nobody can break it with a two-by-four. Cars are dangerous and unnecessary. If they were outlawed on campus and in the city of Appleton, it would be much safer to walk the streets at night while intoxicated. How would we solve the problem of long-distance transportation? Jet packs. For more information, contact Lou Perella or the artist formerly known as P. Diddy.
The problem of petty theft on campus can be quelled with the liberal application of superglue to all valuable items. Connies could glue their instruments to their hands, while valuable sports equipment could be glued to athletes, thereby eliminating the need for the checkout system and fumble-recovery drills simultaneously.
Lawrence’s increasing enrollment has produced an unexpectedly large freshman class. Keeping our tour-guide-touted class size statistic down, therefore, is an increasingly difficult task. In future years, the Lawrence Office of Admissions should accept all students who apply. During the first weeks of school, these students would sleep in tents on Main Hall Green. Welcome Week would be turned into “Elimination Week,” and less-qualified students would be gradually weeded out through a “Survivor”-esque process. This way, the administration could control enrollment down to the very last student.
It’s hard to believe that all these problems have such hassle-free solutions. If you have more ideas for solutions to LU issues, 1) email them to firstname.lastname@example.org. 2) Upon receiving the “address not found” message, repeat steps 1 and 2.