Dear Dr. Eric, I can’t stop thinking about hair. Whenever I see someone with vibrant hair I want to grab it and deeply inhale. I like experiencing the composition of color, texture and smell. Unfortunately these experiences are frowned upon, to say the least. Elevators present good opportunities, as do crowded parties, but these situations are too infrequent for my tastes. How can I satisfy my lust for hair without being beaten up? Alex P.S. Don’t suggest collecting stray hairs; they creep me out.Dear Alex, I understand your distaste; I too find loose hairs repelling. Because you are attracted to attached hairs, I suggest looking for sleeping people. People will, of course, become angry when they discover a multi-faceted sensory experience of their hair. You should therefore hide your enjoyments from discovery, which is easiest to do when your subject is asleep. You can find sleeping people all over campus. Strange Commons, a veritable poppy field, often holds a sleeping studier, and you will find at least one dozer among the stacks of the Seeley G. The best place to find sleepers, however, is in their own rooms. You probably have not considered that literally thousands of students are unconscious in their rooms every night, waiting to fulfill your fetish. Many students keep their door unlocked, leaving nothing between you and their glorious hair. Those who do not, usually leave open a window through which you can climb. Once you are in the rooms you can smell to your heart’s content. Technically this experience is a crime, but it is at the most a victimless one. As long as the wearers of the hair never discover you, no one has been harmed. Reasonable people would object to others pleasuring themselves in this innocent fashion. The American Taliban hates your love for hair, but these Puritans don’t understand that hair can be legitimately appreciated outside of marriage. Some prudes might frown upon the aspect of nonconsent, but since hair is dead it could never consent; these people demand the impossible. There is nothing wrong with what you do as long as you are sneaky about it. One last word of advice: Record your observations in a hair journal, as you will want to revisit the best rooms.
Dr. James Eric Prichard holds many terminal degrees in various fields from institutions around the globe. He is a recognized expert in a bunch of martial arts, including the ninja one.