Love, Indubitably

James Eric Prichard

Dear Dr. Eric,
I met the perfect girl. She’s totally hot and everything I ever wanted. Things are working out but she won’t date me because I belong to a frat. So my first question is – is this normal? I thought every girl wanted to date a brother. My second question is should I leave the frat for this girl? I know it sounds ridiculous, but she’s Fergalicious hot, and I would do anything for that bod. I don’t want to leave all my brothers who I love and care about, but she’s hella hot. What should I do?
Confused GreekDear Greek,
You are correct in your assumption that this girl should want to date you because of your affiliation. Like the sandwiches of Capistrano, girls flock to all fraternities, even fake ones. Scientists have not found the cause of this phenomenon, but surmise that it deals with either magnets or tidal waves. Whatever the explanation, the fact remains: Babes love frat boys.
Your quest’s refusal to date you unless you deactivate is not that outrageous, however. She, like all girls, loves money and presents. It’s like that song by Beyonc or Mariah Carey where the girl just wants cash from her guy. As the song confesses, even rich women are greedy. Every cent that goes to your frat (or as Beyonc says, “buys friends”) is a penny out of her grubby little hands. Most girls’ greed is not strong enough to overpower the attraction of a frat brother, but it appears that this lady possesses sturdier stuff. She is resisting her desires and making a power play to turn your dues into a take-the-GF-out-to-dinner fund.
I would respond with an equivalent power play. Test her mettle by sticking with your friends while dangling the prospect of a generous Greek boyfriend in front of her. Leave cash sticking out of your pocket, or talk about shopping while you wear your frat pin. This maneuver will be a battle of wills, and she may withhold hugs and hand-holding in an attempt to break you. Do not give up, for eventually the allure of money and the fraternity will win the day.

Dr. James Eric Prichard holds many terminal degrees in various fields from institutions around the globe. He is a recognized expert in love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. This column answered a real question from an actual Lawrentian. To have your question answered, call [PUT NUMBER HERE].