Campus center to be “more fun” … la Paris Hilton

Anita Bath

In an unplanned announcement at a press conference, or convocation, Tues., March 27, President Beck announced her new plans to add interest and variety to the campus center.
“The project is currently boring and lacks appeal to the average student. What students want is fun.”
Beck went on to describe her ideas of what fun means to liberal arts students.
“I think we need to provide vital services in the campus center, such as dining, classrooms and lounges, but I propose that we add to this list a day spa, liquor store, the MTV headquarters, a mall, a swanky Hollywood-type nightclub, and possibly a casino.”
Beck expounded further on her proposed additions, which she calls indispensable to university students, citing 19th-century philosopher John Stuart Mill and 21st-century badass heiress Paris Hilton and her cohorts as influences.
“Mill did that whole individualized learning thing, but few people make the connection to Paris Hilton. Paris is definitely a proponent of tutorials, especially one-on-one work,” said Beck.
According to Beck, who herself has spent a great deal of time studying and writing about such notable annals as “The Simple Life” and “House of Wax,” Hilton is the embodiment of true happiness.
“People don’t want consequences, they want to have a good time,” Beck noted. Hilton is noted for toting a small, illegal wild animal everywhere, and also for starring in a sex video.
When asked her opinion on whether these aspects presented the possibility of controversy or a devastating shock to alumni and parents, Beck pointed out that Paris’s sex video is “very postmodern” and ought to be studied.
Mill is widely known for his work “On Liberty,” which, according to Beck, propounds liberalism and the idea that “everyone should be able to do whatever they want”.
Beck also cited Mill’s idea of the “greatest happiness principle,” on which she has been doing extensive theoretical work.
“The greatest happiness comes from doing trivial, mind-numbing, commercialist activities such as spending money, drinking heavily and gambling. Lawrentians are not happy yet, but boy, will they be when I’m through with their campus center!”
Beck’s enthusiasm in stating this nearly resulted in bodily harm when her podium tottered off the edge of the chapel stage, landing just short of the head of Provost David Burrows, who was prostrate on the ground sobbing, the reason for which has not yet been ascertained.
Beck continued on in this fashion, culminating her speech with the announcement that she will be eliminating the Freshman Studies program in favor of more keggers, and the conservatory will be transformed into housing for new fraternities.