Radiohead and The Roots to play surprise Harper show tomorrow

Gillette, Peter

Well, no, not really at all. I am merely demonstrating the first principle of successful campus advertising:
1. If what you’re advertising really isn’t all that “cool,” don’t be afraid to embellish- to “lie,” even- by pretending it’s for something “cooler.”
You see, tomorrow night, at 8 p.m. in Harper Hall (in the conservatory), I have my senior trumpet recital.
Recitals have a way of inciting anxiety in Connies. What if nobody shows up?
It’s all about advertising. But who has time to go through and put up posters for that special party, match, game, movie marathon, or concert? You’re too busy planning it. Luckily, though, I have accrued four-plus years of valuable campus advertising experience.
Word-of-mouth, of course, is taken for granted. Make your good friends know that their friendship is contingent upon their attendance of your event. Consider these, though, the secrets to campus advertising success for those who have no friends:
2. If you advertise on Facebook and then talk about the event with someone in real life, never, ever ask them if they got the Facebook invite.
I learned this the hard way recently. You see, “Facebook” and “real life” must be kept as far away from one another as possible for either to be successful.
3. When making posters, humor works. Be funny.
It comes with a corollary, though:
3a. If your event is going to blow chunks, don’t joke about its badness unless it is going to really and seriously suck. Otherwise, people will feel too awkward to go.
This is dangerous. The show has to seriously rock to make the sign humorous.
4. Innuendos can work if used appropriately.
Earlier this year, there were posters up advertising a tennis match that said “Girls in Short Skirts.” I didn’t go, actually, but I thought about going. When have you ever seen an ugly tennis girl? They don’t exist. Of course, I TiVo Anna Kournikova, so what do I know?
Frats, though, can use the promise of sketch with near-impunity because A) they are more poised to “deliver,” so to speak and B) they aren’t burdened with an overly positive image.
But even the frats know that if you want to get that hot, bookish “Ice Queen” to Cocktails, perhaps the roofies joke should stay off the invite. Want to get nerds to come to LI Formal? Put up a sign in the CTL about a cross-cultural experience, or something.
6. Know your audience.
Then you will realize that:
7. Successful advertising boils down to location, location, location.
Who reads bulletin boards? Try bathroom stalls. Drinking fountains. The copy machine in the library. Or, perhaps, your humor column in The Lawrentian.
8. Whatever you do, though, even if you have to chalk the entire campus, avoid “tabling” at Downer at all costs.
Even compared to Facebook and flimsy newspaper tie-ins, tabling reeks of desperation.