Last week, ***The Lawrentian**** ran a letter to the editor that requested the return of the Column Column, and I couldn’t be more flattered. While the author of that letter obviously has excellent taste, he probably hadn’t considered all of the things that need to happen in order to have a column printed. First off, when dealing with a fine news establishment like ****The Lawrentian**** and all of its brilliant editors, a certain level of flattery is expected. Don’t let pride get in the way; if you can’t bring yourself to do it in person, I’m sure you can think of some other way of communicating it to them. Subtlety is key — these guys are very, very smart. And good looking. Come to think of it, the editors are really the only thing standing between an aspiring writer and columnisthood. Did I mention powerful? A columnist, then, should do everything he possibly can to please these fine individuals. When they say “jump,” a columnist should ask, “How many words?” Now, if there is anything the ****Lawrentian**** editors have wanted from the Column Column, it’s substance. I’m usually not one to submit to implicit, logical expectations, but I’m willing to make an exception just to show how much I respect the editors of ****The Lawrentian.**** Those sharp-dressing devils. The inclusion of substance kind of goes against everything the Column Column stands for, so how can I justify this? Survival, that’s how. The well-groomed editors at ****The Lawrentian**** didn’t like the Column Column for fear that it couldn’t sustain itself without the input of new material. Right or wrong, I’m going to put those fears to rest by including substance. Call it pandering if you must, but it pleases the editors, and apparently that’s all that matters in the column world. Actually, including substance won’t be that bad. I can talk about a new thing each week, and will never run out of new topics. The reactivity of tungsten? The symmetry of moose antlers? Sarcasm? I’ll think of something. So there, the Column Column is now a substantial column . starting next week. Oh, and ****Lawrentian**** editors smell terrific.