Are you a bit paranoid? Did you know that extra-terrestrials may have invaded our humble, world-class institution? Hello, and welcome to Specht Pages, the true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this celebratory 36th issue, we will tell you all you need to know about Lawrence University’s relationship with life from other planets. So sit back, relax and allow Specht Pages to expose the facts that you simply cannot find elsewhere.
Do you remember the phenomenon in January we called the “Polar Vortex?” Temperatures that sank to -20° F with a -50° F wind-chill? Some said the record cold came from the melting polar ice caps. However, the truth is much more obvious. Aliens did it. Aliens live at much cooler temperatures and hate anything above -10° F. Additionally, the cool weather aided in their smooth entry into the outer atmosphere without burning up. Most importantly, they brought in the cold because they knew that most people would stay inside and those who needed to travel outside—such as all Lawrence students, faculty and staff—would not notice any strange creatures wandering and probing due to their preoccupation with staying warm.
Has your radiator ever made funny sounds? You can bet a year’s worth of culinary cash that there were space aliens behind that. Moreover, do you ever hear strange sounds coming from your neighbor’s room? Heavy breathing? Moaning? I hate to break it to you, but your fellow Lawrentian was most definitely being subjected to alien probing.
Have you noticed the patterns that have been appearing in the snow? The concentric circles that trap trees? The intricate patterns on the Quad? It seems like the aliens are trying to tell us something. Perhaps it’s that our reliance on the life of the mind will be of no use when the full invasion takes place.
Have you noticed the strange, psychedelic art on the Drew Street underpass? Behold, it was painted by aliens. They wanted to give us a vision of their likeness.
If you go on Google Earth and look at our campus, you will find many things that point to alien activity at Lawrence. For starters, Hiett Hall is shaped like a starship. Additionally, there are some interesting shapes you’ll find made by the brickwork and masonry. The Wriston fountain and amphitheater, as well as the circle next to Ormsby and the square in front of the Wellness Center, are all examples of alien firing targets. Just don’t spend too much time in the center of any of those places at 4:37 a.m.
Have you ever heard about the hidden tunnels under Main Hall Green? You can see evidence of them occasionally when the ambient heat from the tunnels melts the snow directly above them before the rest of it melts. What you probably didn’t know is that they serve an Area 51 role of sorts. They are filled with all of Lawrence’s classified alien corpses and memorabilia.
Have you ever noticed that Lawrence lacks any sort of major telescope? Ever wonder why the Underwood Observatory was demolished? Obviously, they didn’t want us to be able to watch the aliens.
There you have it, unquestionable facts from a reputable source. Use this information as you may, but remember, it is highly classified.
“You heard it first from Specht Pages!”