Are you running on empty? Do you need some encouragement to survive during this final sprint to the finish? Hello, and welcome to Specht Pages, the true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this celebratory 38th issue, we will help you complete Winter Term with grace and style. So sit back, relax and allow Specht Pages to sustain you during these trying times.
First off, if you haven’t already begun working on your final projects or studying for your final exams, it’s time to put down this piece of Lawrence-issued propaganda and metaphorically hit the books. If this applies to you, that explains why you have enough time to even read a newspaper.
Secondly, for the sake of your roommate, classmates and the general image of our high-caliber university, we would recommend that you continue regular hygiene maintenance in some form. Perhaps, if you find yourself without time to brush your teeth, you can simply gargle mouthwash on your way to class. If your hair is getting too greasy for public viewing from not showering in days, feel free to wear a hat all day or simply cut it all off. Additionally, if you don’t have time to shower, be sure to carry deodorant with you at all times. In a pinch, you can use Febreze, baking soda or even Windex to mask your musk. If you don’t have time to do laundry, be sure to hang up all clothes that you wear—that way, they will air out and be ready to wear again in as little as one day. To make the clothes smell even fresher, you can spray them with Febreze, put dryer sheets in your pockets, aim your fan towards your clothes or dump a pile of baking soda in your closet to help eliminate odors. Finally, when you wash your hands after using the facilities, be sure to wash up to your forearm and quickly scrub your face with the paper towel you used to dry your hands.
Do you need ways to expel your frustrations and stress? Consider smashing an ice cream cone on a friend’s head. The stress will literally melt away as the ice cream melts down into the small of your friend’s back. Alternatively, you could walk around with a bag over your head until people notice you and begin to care.
Do you need an extension on an assignment? Some professors will give you one, but be sure to only provide the facts when you send the email. Do not include excuses, no matter how true, that no one believes or cares about. Also exclude apologies since professors do not take personal offense at late assignments. A sample email would be:
Dear Professor Pages,
Because of my irresponsibility and procrastination, I have not completed my assignment. I would appreciate an extension on my article on the top ten most painful sleeping locations on campus.
Are you finding it impossible to fit in your exercise now that the end of term is crashing down on you? To maintain this area of wellness in your life, consider running everywhere you go and taking an extra lap around the building when you get there since you’ll arrive earlier than you would have if you walked. You can use your backpack as a dumbbell as you walk around and work your biceps. If you’re discrete, you can also do this during lectures.
There you have it: a comprehensive list of ways to survive tenth week. However, beware: finals week will be equally as stressful, so now is the time to start stocking up on Ramen, Febreze and Mountain Dew.
“You heard it first from Specht Pages!”