Are you afraid of bugs and hate when they fly into your mouth, nose, ears and eyes? Do you wish it would be winter all year round so you wouldn’t have to deal with flies, bees, or other various creeping things? Hello and welcome to Specht Pages, the true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this celebratory 39th issue, we will help you prepare for the imminent return of insects—specifically, Lawrence’s infamous “River Bugs,” as they are affectionately known. So sit back, relax and read Specht Pages twice daily for maximum effect.
First off, allow me to address all the freshmen and sophomores as well as any prospies who may have gotten their dirty little hands on a copy of Specht Pages. Since you are new to Lawrence, you have no idea what you’re in for. Pipe down, sophomores: last year’s dramatic weather with temperatures in the 60s followed by deep freezes killed much of the bug population before giant swarms were even possible. The invasion starts out small as the bugs wake up from their insect version of hibernation in stages. At the height of their invasion, they will be everywhere. Everywhere. In fact, you can still see evidence of prior invasions. Specifically, check light sources such as the tall lamps along Hurvis Crossing—you can see thousands of tiny bug carcasses!
The story goes that back in the old days, the bugs loved the river. However, after the paper companies made the river uninhabitable to all but the nastiest of critters, the River Bugs began invading the immediately surrounding areas, including the campus of our humble, world-class institution of higher education. However, if you ask the River Bugs their side of the story, they would blame the imperialist white men who are in fact the invaders, but that’s another story.
Here is what the invasion will look like: there will be swarms of bugs ranging in size from tiny to small. At times, you may mistake them for small, vibrating clouds until you get closer. There’s no avoiding the swarms because they are always in the way of where you need to go. By the end of the term, they will mostly be dead, but will not have vanished. You see, their tiny carcasses will be everywhere. The wind tends to bring some of them into a nice, neat pile in some corners, such as right by the Campus Center.
While some will tell you that your best bet is to simply shriek and flail your appendages wildly as you walk through the cloud of bugs, Specht Pages is here to with some real solutions. We will answer the age-old question of how to combat the River Bugs in a civil and humane way that would not get you in trouble with the friendly folks at Greenfire.
While the obvious inclination would be to walk around with a can of Raid® Flying Insect Killer, that would do little more than get you screamed at by some vocal majors who until that point in the day, would have claimed that they were on vocal rest. The other obvious option would be to walk around with a blowtorch and light the bugs on fire, but unfortunately, at a progressive institution like Lawrence, you’ll likely receive nasty looks and pointing fingers as if you were carrying an unconcealed firearm.
What we really need to do in regard to the River Bugs is to play defense. Start with face gear: Over-ear headphones will keep your ears bug-free and will make you look “hip.” Swimming goggles will help keep anything from crawling into your eyes and swimming around. Ask Nurse Susie for some of those white face masks, which help prevent the spread of diseases with airborne transmission, so that the bugs keep out of your mouth. To keep the bugs out of your clothes, you can tuck your pants into your socks and shirts into your underwear. For any other openings, you can tape your clothes directly to your flesh. Alternatively, if you need to make your body even more secure, consider wearing a Morphsuit. To avoid looking too ridiculous, you can wear other clothes over the Morphsuit.
There you have it, a guide for surviving the 2014 River Bug Invasion. Hopefully, in future years, the university will invest in a giant, bright lantern atop Main Hall that will attract all of the River Bugs and keep them out of your hair, underwear and food.
“You heard it first from Specht Pages!”