By Jessica Morgan
I hope you have all had a lovely summer break. While you are getting settled in and finalizing your class schedules, I want to point out a few topics of interest. Nothing to be concerned about, though, this e-mail is completely normal, and we send out a notice like this after students have returned every year.
Over the first two weeks of class, we have had an extensive outbreak of food poisoning. (Note to freshman: this is not a problem that we have to note every year). Our lovely workers at “Good Eats” are looking into it, but they believe that the fruits and vegetables in question may have come from our own campus garden. Since we receive so many of our products from other local sources, however, we have been unable to verify this information for sure. Once this has been confirmed, we will contact you to inform you of the source.
The contaminated food has resulted in many students tossing their cookies—literally and figuratively. I will spare you the gory details about the figurative cookie tossing. However, even in a supposed professional e-mail, the literal tossing of cookies is too good of a story not to share. There have been numerous, unprecedented uproars in the Cafeteria in the past week. Students have been stuffing as many cookies as they can into their sweatshirts, and when asked to only take one, they have displayed an astonishing lack of control, hurling the cookies across the Cafeteria at each other while making monkey noises. Students, I should not need to remind you that monkey noises and food fighting are utterly inappropriate behaviors in public!
In addition to the cookie-throwing, there have been multiple other food-fighting incidents this week. The most graphic of these occurrences being an ice-cream fight that resulted in one student picking up and dunking the other student into a vat of ice-cream. I do not think “Good Eats” will be providing ice cream again anytime soon. … In combination with the projectile vomiting, these outbursts have created quite the job for our lovely custodians.
Please be aware that this is not the type of vision we have for our dining services at “Good Eats.” We wish to present to you the most satisfying dining experience as possible with a well-balanced diet that does not result in food waste and personal injury.
As we receive more information about the food poisoning outbreak, we will update you with any information we have, and we are investigating vigorously. This problem will be butter before you know it! Before long, “Good Eats” will be eggs-actly as it was before and the safe-to-eat food will lettuce all move on! You may think that this is something that is nacho problem, but the dining services affect everyone, since, we all eat there.
Feel free to e-mail me if you would like to taco ‘bout it!
Carry on with your work,
Dean of Campus Dining