Ask a Fifth-Year

Jacob Horn

Dear Jacob,

I woke up this morning in a changed world. Everything was covered in this weird white stuff. What’s up with that? How can I cope with this?

Sincerely,

Frigid Freshman

Well, Frigid, that stuff is snow. It usually doesn’t wait until the middle of January to make its presence known, but for some reason it took its sweet-ass time to get here. One could blame global warming on this tardiness, but I like to imagine that everyone is just in on some sort of sick joke, thinking that it’s January when it’s actually November. For added proof — i.e., insanity — I point to the fact that we had snow until April last year, or “February,” if we go by my two-month-delay theory.

I know that by the time this issue of The Lawrentian comes out you will already have had to deal with it for a solid week, but let me do my best to inform you on proper snow etiquette.

For starters, you should state how cold it is at every possible moment. It is your job to inform the general public on the obvious. Be sure to deliver your message while wearing clothing more suitable for the tropics such as shorts or tights. This will annoy no one.

There’s really only one place to sled on campus and it’s behind Memorial Hall. There’s also only one real way to sled down that hill. One should forgo store bought sleds and use Downer trays. This could be a problem since Downer doesn’t actually exist anymore.

However, astute observers will note that the blue trays holding the coffee mugs in “Alexander Commons” bear a striking resemblance to those old food trays — and by a striking resemblance, I mean they are. If, by any chance, there is a shortage of coffee mug holding trays in the next few days, I had nothing to do with it.

Express yourself with artistic exploits in the snow. At the time that I started writing this article, there was a Snowtoro outside of Plantz. This is a much more creative sculpture, far superior to the commonplace snowman and even more commonplace snow penises that seem to spring up around campus.

You won’t be able to enjoy a snowball fight during your time here at Lawrence. According to a city ordinance: “No person shall throw or shoot any object, arrow, stone, snowball or other missile or projectile, by hand or by any other means at any person or at, or into, any building street, sidewalk, alley, highway, park, playground or other public place within the city.”

Someone may have to inform the baseball and football teams that their projectile tossing antics are frowned upon by the Appleton law enforcement agencies.

And finally, just take some time to enjoy a warm drink indoors. Or even a cold drink, because let’s be honest, anything is blazingly hot compared to the frigid wasteland that exists outside.

Stay warm, and if you have any questions or need any half-assed guidance, e-mail me at jacob.e.horn@lawrence.edu.

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