Inside the locker room: Lawrence men’s soccer

Ellie Galvin

While working hard and winning games, the Lawrence University Men’s Soccer team spends an ample amount of time together. Being with one another 24/7 allows each member of the team to see the strengths and weaknesses of each individual player. When the team was asked who they would want to be stuck on a deserted island with this is what they said:

 

First, the team members that no one would not want to be stuck with:

 

Unfortunately, team newcomers sophomore Stephen Salansky and sophomore Darry Israel were stuck with this title because they play their music too loudly. However, it is noted that Stephen could perform wild animal calls to lure in prey if necessary. Junior, Joe Cullen wears his pants too tight so he would not be able to quickly forage for food, while junior, Erich Lohrmann would be too busy over-thinking his survival tactics to provide protection for his fellow teammate. Junior, Cooper Sinai-Yunker would set everyone on fire.

Junior Stephen Solomon, who actually transferred and doesn’t attend Lawrence anymore, would complain too much. Senior Hashim Morad randomly leaves the country too much for the team to count on his dedication while being stuck on the island. Senior, Mike Kumbalek was a definite no for a few reasons. According to senior, Kevin Aslett, Mike Kumbalek is conservative and from Texas so he would never share anything. Others said that Mike would be spending too much time building a boat made of rocks to be any fun. Finally, a unanimous decision was that the team would not want sophomore Oliver Newsom on the island. There was no specific reason given. It is unfortunate, as he has scored two game-winning goals thus far in the season.

 

The team members that were most wanted on an island were:

 

Seniors David Caprile and Mason Cannon, who could provide the team with FIFA 2013, sandwiches, and the correct ingredients in order for everyone to be able to wax their chests. Juniors Cameron Pieper and Nick Craker would be perfect together on an island because they both enjoy long walks on the beach, smooth jazz, a good book, and starting each and everyday with a smile.

Pieper would want Junior, Kelson Warner because he would sacrifice himself for the team and if the island had an abundance of tomatoes he would offer no competition for that food supply as he is allergic. Sophomore trainer, Kelton Jenkins would provide medicine and water, while senior manager Richie Foreman would pick up things around the island for the team to survive. Junior, Daniel O’Mahoney would make sure the team had a good time, and he watches bear grills.

Senior, Simon Newsom would provide the team with something to talk about: his horrible shots and unnecessary plays. Aslett is a toss up. He is a Chatty Kathy so he would be good for conversation, but might be too busy styling his fohawk. Freshman, Aaron Sutton doesn’t say anything, and we all know everyone likes a little me-time every once in a while. Junior, Charlie Mann would make sure that the island looked great with his graffiti art.

The two most vital teammates to have on a stranded island go to two of the many seniors of the team- Colin Potts and Karl Mayer. While Potts is an Eagle Scout and could build an apparatus to get the team off the island, Mayer could locate and identify all of the constellations and could communicate with the native animal species.

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