Oprah Winfrey withdrawal

Bob Trettin

Well, it’s official. Oprah’s network is struggling. Perhaps the most successful woman in America has finally encountered some troubles.

The answer to your question is “no,” I do not feel any amount of sympathy toward her whatsoever. She is planning a re-launch of her network in hopes that it will flourish the second time around. I, however, hope it does not succeed. This lady has had enough success in my opinion. Let me take you back to four months ago, to Oprah’s final episode.

After 25 years of extreme generosity, life-changing kindness and weight fluctuation, Oprah hosted the finale of her show May 25, 2011. She is arguably one of the most influential African American women in history, and her heart has undoubtedly touched the lives of countless people. She gave her viewers laughs, hope, love, joy and a reason to neglect more important things for an hour every day. Oprah’s show will be missed by many, perhaps even by Oprah. I just hope she does not become the Brett Favre of daytime TV.

Oprah’s power and influence have stretched farther than many could have ever imagined. The world was scheduled to end May 21, 2011, but God postponed that to accommodate to Oprah’s finale. Many people dropped everything to stare intently at their television sets as Oprah captivated them one last time with her seemingly hypnotic capabilities.

So why has Oprah chosen to leave her throne? Has she grown tired of her position? Did her supposed “friend,” Dr. Phil, threaten her into departure?

I do not believe so. I think the answer is much simpler and less sinister. I think that Oprah simply could not top herself anymore. She exceeded her limit of generosity. She is known for giving the biggest, most extravagant, life-altering gifts that money could buy, and there was not much else she could give that could eclipse what she had already given.

What is there to give away after millions of dollars and houses and cars? What will someone do with an unlimited supply of Skittles or their own personal mountain? Is it even possible to gift a planet? After a certain point, generosity becomes impractical. Oprah transcended that level and could no longer out-do herself.

The effects of Oprah’s farewell are astronomical, of course. Her devoted fans are left in a state of confusion, especially between the hours of four and five. People everywhere are in pandemonium! Chaos! Faithful, committed viewers don’t know what to do during that hour of their day!

This predicament has become known as Winfrey Withdrawal, and it should be taken seriously. Those effected by Winfrey Withdrawal should try taking a nap or doing daily chores or reading a book — preferably one not included in Oprah’s book club — or exercising or pretty much any other activity not pertaining to Oprah.

On a positive note, Kleenex companies experienced a spike in sales as Winfrey fans cried during their withdrawal period. However, after a few months, sales have declined rapidly as Oprah fans no longer require Kleenex for watching the show at four.

Why am I mocking one of America’s most beloved women? Bitterness. I can appreciate what she has done for all those people out there, but let me ask you this: Do you remember that one time when Oprah gave me $10 million and a car and a mansion? Yeah, neither do I. Bitterness.