New Year’s resolutions: Year of Indifference

Bob Trettin

2012 has arrived, Lawrentians! It’s a new year, and you know what that means: New Year’s resolutions. It’s a time for new beginnings, new goals, new projects, new outlooks and new waistlines. It is the accepted time of year for a commitment to self-beneficence for the rest of the calendar year.

In my admittedly brief experience with New Year’s resolutions, I have found that most years I either neglect my resolution altogether, forget about it after the first few months, or my goal is too lofty and I cannot reach it, resulting in disappointment. Perhaps New Year’s resolutions do work for some people, but I am not one of those lucky few.

In all probability, there are many people who are like me when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. This year, perhaps we should take a new approach to the idea of resolutions: all around indifference towards the status of our lives. Not because we have no room for improvement, or think we are above betterment, but simply for the sake of an experiment of idleness.

This would include remaining under the radar when it comes to schooling, suppressing enthusiasm in all areas of life and curbing efforts devoted to change. Instead of “shooting for the stars,” maybe just shoot for the treetops or something.

This year let’s be content with our level of procrastination, and if it happens to increase due to this “Year of Indifference,” well, so be it. In fact, you can probably expect a 25 percent decrease in the overall quality of your life, but you must remain committed and motivated to continue with this “resolution” of being satisfied with mediocrity.

In the words of the late great Bob Marley, “Don’t worry, be happy.” This year, it’s okay to put on a few pounds, watch even more TV, be apathetic about money and homework and your appearance. I encourage you to take it easy in 2012 and see what happens.

You don’t have to try a new hobby. Activities are the opposite of inactivity, and inactivity is bliss, which is what I’m trying to convey to you. Be sedentary. This way there’s no potential for failure or disappointment, and this will leave more time for utter laziness, which should be a priority.

Be lax about your social life. Tweet about 30 percent less than you did last year. Only accept half of the friend requests you receive on Facebook. Let your friends make the effort to pursue you. This will ensure a more isolated lifestyle and introverted personality, which is ideal for the “Year of Indifference and Loneliness and Laziness and Procrastination.”

This experiment will only work if you have the correct mindset — one of aloofness, detachment, overall disregard for obligations and general carelessness. I believe in you, Lawrentians. You can do this, but in order to “do this,” you must basically do nothing at all. It might be tough.

I am sure it is obvious that these guidelines are a recipe for the best year of your life. You can say goodbye to accountability, responsibility, excitement, your health, your friends, your education, your success, your happiness…

Okay, I’m definitely not going to try this experiment. Now that I think about it, it sounds like a terrible idea. I actually want to learn how to play the harmonica — so watch out, Sugar Blue! I even want to run a half marathon! I have a good feeling about this year.