Aries: Omaha is full of baby mommas.
Taurus: Stop quoting Vines all the time.
Gemini: Never let them see you sweat.
Cancer: The Weezer cover band is going to be a solo project and that’s okay.
Leo: Stigmata isn’t always a bad sign. This time, take it with a grain of Stevia.
Virgo: [Gay shaking]
Libra: Cool it on the lectures, straighty.
Scorpio: Nothing’s wrong, you just need some Old Bay.
Sagittarius: Get with it or get lost.
Capricorn: Check your Farmville requests. We are waiting.
Aquarius: But what if it was a frappe?
Pisces: She’s still for sale.