Horoscopes

Aries: How’s that karaoke job working out for you?

Taurus: We believe in you. Also, learn how to parallel park. Please.

Gemini: Children should be listened to even when they are 20 years old.

Cancer: You’re not just going to dissolve into hot water. We know and love you.

Leo: Culinary school looks good on you!

Virgo: Remember how awesome LUaroo was last year?

Libra: Got your nose! Ha ha ha.

Scorpio: I’m not going to tell you to calm down, but please calm down.

Sagittarius: Really? Him? I mean, okay!

Capricorn: 4 in the morning is not the time to live your best life. It’s the time to be asleep.

Aquarius: When are you going to visit?

Pisces: I miss you. How is New York?

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