Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – My main goal is to blow up and then act like I don’t know nobody. Hyeh heh hah ha.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Summertime! I don’t practice Santeria, I ain’t got no crystal ball.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Ha ha ha, I do that.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Hi I’m Renata Bliss, and I’m your freestyle dance teacher.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Oh my god I love Chipotle. Chipotle is my life.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – I think I know more about American Girl Dolls than you do, genius.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – I spilled lipstick in your Valentino bag. Wah eyhya wh- lipstick? In my Valentino white bag?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Kevin, don’t, Kevin! Kevin, Kevin, watch the light, dude!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – If your name is Junior and you’re really handsome come on raise your hand!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – My name is Michael with a B, and I’ve been afraid of insects my entire- Stop stop stop, where? Hmm? Where’s the B. There’s a bee?

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Let’s McFreakin’ lose it! Get out of your mind!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Adam!

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