Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Lava: you are pumice-powered and heavy duty. Dial it back a bit, as your exfoliating properties can tend to be abrasive.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Caress Daily Silk: surprisingly delicate for a mass-produced monster.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) –  Duru Gourmet: dual-flavored wonder that is popular among Russians for soap cutting videos. Maybe flip to the opinions page and read the article about soap?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Coast: as the original eye opener soap, you might want to try opening your third eye in addition to the other two. Invigorate yourself! Cleanse!

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Irish Spring: pungent and classic, your popularity is well deserved. You say that you’re non-drying, but we all know the truth.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Zest: get Zestfully clean! You’re refreshing, rich, and reliable. Stay sexy and zesty.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – À La Maison: You travel in packs. Maybe try to break out of your packaging a little bit.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Dial Antibacterial: you’d have to be an absolute fool to use this baby on your skin. Slow down, cowboy. There are some things only Olay can do.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Palmolive: Trustworthy, yet sophisticated. Sudsy, yet sweet.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Dove: a classic formula available in countless flavors. Branch out a little bit.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Lever 2000: inexpensive yet harsh and astringent, your classic clean scent is overbearing to those around you. Remember to moisturize.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Ivory: as the classic under the sink soap, you might want to let go of your shyness and break out of the cupboard.