HOROSCOPES

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Tatiana Gutsu: a trickster and fiery competitor who took down Shannon Miller in a fist fight in the parking lot of the Olympic arena in Barcelona.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Oksana Chusovitina: better than you will ever be. Single-handedly took down the communist regime, probably.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Yelena Davydova: charming, innovative and cutting-edge, this Baltic Beauty found her calling in Canada.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Tatiana Lysenko – who needs three Olympic medals when you can move to California and become a lawyer?

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Olga Korbut: this darling of Munich sold her Olympic medals and now resides in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Svetlana Boguinskaya: the Belarusian swan is truly the champion of my heart.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Dina Kochetkova – considered the “last of the Soviets” in her grace and elegance, 1994 will be a good year for you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Nellie Kim: the kind of person who names their daughter after themselves, Nellie Kim is an absolute icon of insanity and intensity.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Oksana Omelianchik: incredible balance and absolutely relentless. Proof that you do not need to make an Olympic team in order to be a legend.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Ludmilla Tourischeva: poised and calm but would absolutely fight to the death in any situation.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Natalia Shaposhnikova: inventive, risky and expressive, Shaposhnikova really should not be living in New Jersey. She is way too good for that.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Olesya Dudnik: though robbed of a spot on an Olympic team, Dudnik’s revenge is alive and well.

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