A case against toenails

Not to kink shame anyone, but there is absolutely nothing sexy or sensual about feet. As one of the most prevalent fetishes, toe lovers never fail to confuse me in their absolute adoration for the worst part of the body.

All that I am saying is that toes suck. But not because of their smelly nature or abnormal shapes and sizes. No, those things I can get over. The real deal breaker for me is the nail. Toenails are truly revolting, and toes would just be so much sexier without the toenails.

I know it is a difficult thing to picture—toes without their shells. But bear with me here. If we remove the keratin roofs from their fleshy beds, the human foot is left bare and in its natural beautiful state.

What is so bad about toenails, you ask? Well, let me tell you. Toenails harbor a litany of diseases and medical conditions. From onychomycosis which is a fungus causing thick, crumbly yellowed nails to onychocryptosis which is where the toenail grows into the flesh around it, toenails attract so many medical conditions and diseases. Ultimately their removal is fully warranted.

In addition to this, I will reveal something that I do not reveal to many people, however I am ready to come clean.  I am an individual who is personally affected by toenail troubles, as I was born with a permanent disfigurement on the nail of the second toe on my left foot. The nail, instead of positioned flat on the toe, sticks straight up as if to say to the world, “Look at me! I’m especially hideous!” This has been the cause of much embarrassment for my team and I. If toenails were taken off of feet in some sort of universal mass vaccination of feet, I would not have to deal with the pain and sensitivity that this deformity has given me.

What is so bad about toenail diseases, you ask? They are almost always accompanied with pain, itching and discoloration. In addition to this, traumas including poor circulation, a stubbed toe and a number of other situations can cause the nail to lift from the nail bed and become extremely thick and brittle. These traumas can be as quotidian as tight shoes, or as dramatic as an anvil to the toe. Either way, human beings are bound to experience at least one of them, and therefore would benefit from the permanent removal of the alpha-keratin bark protruding from the already beautiful extremities enveloped in a perfectly smooth coating of flesh.

So yes—foot fetishes are troubling to me, but not for the reasons you might think. I do not have any problem with the unabashed celebration of calloused soles and benign corns. In fact, the foot is a beautiful instrument that should be saluted—nay, honored—for bearing the weight of human existence. The foot’s only downfall is his unfortunate locale as inferior to the brittle dome of fungal vegetation that obscures the foot’s seductive character. All that I am saying is when we engineer the next Homo Sapiens to send to the edges of the universe, they had better not have toenails.