Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Coral Harbour, Nunavut, Canada: there’s nothing coral about you except for fossils.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Utqiagvik, AK: Barrow who?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Duluth, MN: a local favorite.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Tosontsengel, Mongolia: which means “oil happiness.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Vostok, Antarctica: you just have to be the winner, don’t you?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Leadville, CO: cute town in a barren wasteland.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Moscow, Russia: probably interfered with the 2016 elections.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia: consistently freezing!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Karasjok, Norway: elevation: 436 ft.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Snag, Canada: you’re a bowl-shaped valley.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Oymyakon, Russia: remote oasis in the Yakutia region.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Prince Christian Sund, Greenland: literally empty.

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