Aries (March 21 – April 19) — goji berries: holistic medicine is fake.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) — cranberries: do you have to let it linger?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) — gooseberries: wannabe grape.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) — lingonberries: you grocery shop at IKEA.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) — blackberries: only good when smashed into a jam.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) — strawberries: absolutely stunning.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) — acai berries: Brookstone
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) — chokeberries: you thrive in wet woods and swamps.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) — mulberries: you are very resistant to ringworm.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) — elderberries: sometimes you’re constipated, and that’s okay.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) — black currants: time for your daily Kir Royale.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) — persimmons: can’t even believe this is a berry.
