On The Cusp of Enlightenment: An Advice Column

Looking for answers? In need of advice from a Taurus-sun, Virgo-moon, Gemini-rising? Think you can stump me? Email Simone at simone.a.levy@lawrence.edu with your own questions and you just might be featured in next week’s column. 

Dear Simone, 

I can’t stop thinking about rotisserie! Chicken, pork, bœuf, beaver, all of it on a rotisserie and then in my tummy. Mmm. How can I get this ear worm out of my head? 

Sincerely, Jean*

Dear Jean, 

It seems as if you are at odds with a feisty illness. However, I know just the cure for your ailment. If you drive down College Avenue, turn onto North McCarthy Road and make a left on Integrity Way, you will find yourself at Costco Wholesale. Now, you may be wondering why I brought you to this wholesale mecca. It does not matter now; what matters is that you pay the 60 dollar Gold Star Membership fee (it is an annual fee, so take that into account) and gain access to the warehouse. Once inside, make your way to the back of the store where the treasure is hidden: the commercial-sized rotisserie chicken spit. It is a chicken merry-go-round, if you will, that is sure to satisfy even the most intimate of needs. Mark my words, you will not be able to find a cheaper rotisserie chicken anywhere. Costco’s rotisserie chickens famously cost just $4.99. Stock up on the little guys and be sure to save the bones and bits to make chicken stock. Then, freeze the stock to use on a rainy day. Hopefully, by satisfying your need for rotisserie on a Costco-sized scale, the ear worm of rotisserie will begin to weasel its way out of your ear canal, leaving you and your chickens alone. 

Dear Simone, 

Should I watch “Naruto” to improve my immune system? 

From Juliet

Dear Juliet, 

The short answer is “yes,” and the long one is “absolutely.” As a licensed doctor†, I am within my rights to address this concern. I can personally attest to the healing powers of “Naruto,” and I encourage everyone to soak up the powerful medical ninjutsu that Sakura Haruno performs in the show. Everyone knows that “Naruto” is the best medicine for a weakened immune system. If you ever suffer from kidney stones, however, your best route is going to be watching “Ouran High School Host Club.” Best of luck to you and your immune system. 

Dear Simone, 

Do u [sic] think we should have a big coffee vending machine in the library? 


Dearest Molly, 

No. We do not need a big coffee vending machine in the library. I do not like coffee unless it is either coffee ice cream or a blended ice drink, commonly known as a frappe. What I do think the Seeley G. Mudd Library is in need of is a “f’real” machine. For those unfamiliar with the luxury of a “f’real,” you obviously have never been to a Wawa or a Fox Convenience store. A “f’real” is a self-serve milkshake machine. You pick out your flavor from the “f’real” “vault” of milkshake blanks, if you will, and place it in the magical milkshake machine. You then select your thickness and the machine goes to work, blending a delicious, frothy, just-to-your-liking milkshake. It is one of the greatest things on this earth, and Seeley G. Mudd goers would benefit greatly from its addition to the first floor of the library. The one-size milkshakes cost just $2.99—unless purchased on “f’real Fridays” for two dollars. So no, Molly, the library does not need a coffee machine. The library needs a “f’real” machine. Or alternatively, one of those crazy Coke machines where you can get any flavor of Coca-Cola product would also be a positive addition to the library.

While I am on my milkshake box, if I may, I would like to address “Milkshake Mondays” at Kaplan’s Café and Coffee Shop. As you may have guessed by now, I love a good milkshake. Everyone loves milkshakes. I have never met someone who does not have a taste for milkshakes and if there is one, then I do not want to meet them! Anyways, “Milkshake Monday” is a brilliant concept, relative to the previous tradition of having “No Milkshakes All Week.” However, now that we have a taste for the milkshakes, I would like to propose an addendum to “Milkshake Mondays.” Why do we not have “Milkshakes All Week?” There is no reason this should not happen, and I refuse to entertain any logistic reasoning that anyone has as to why milkshakes can only be a once-per-week deal. That is all I have to say as of now. 

Signed, Simone

*Names have been changed at sender’s request. 

† I am not a doctor.