WE ARE UNDER CONSTRUCTION - DON'T MIND THE DUST!

On the Cusp of Enlightenment

Looking for answers? In need of advice from a Taurus-sun, Virgo-moon, Gemini-rising? Think you can stump me? Email Simone at simone.a.levy@lawrence.edu with your own questions and you just might be featured in next week’s column.

Dear Simone,

A few weeks ago, I sent a cry for help on your advice column. However, you ignored my plea and left me to suffer. How dare you [expletive] place me on the back burner like this.

Anyway, I am no longer doing swell because I am consumed by homework, three jobs and social obligations.

What do I do?

Signed, 

Inquiringly Pissed Off

Dear Inquiringly Pissed Off, 

Hey buddy. I am sorry to see you so upset! In order to have your submission accepted, it must meet my quality standards, so I apologize if your question gets overlooked. Moving along to your inquiry — wow. It seems as if you are under a lot of pressure right now! Luckily for you, you are not alone! Everyone has a lot to do and everyone is stressed out by obligations. 

In order to feel better, I suggest not participating in the ever-popular Lawrence Busy Olympics that always ramp up at this time of the year. Not only does it make you look like a pretentious prick, but it is a waste of time, and in the time you spend bragging to your friends that you have had six clamshell meals this week, you could have finished a homework assignment. And do not even think about getting caught in a Busy Olympics match with a conservatory student. They are just as busy as you are but just have worse attitudes about it. Do not engage with that kind of negativity. It is a waste of time.  

I do not want to sound like an asshole, but I acknowledge that I do. But the truth is no one wants to hear about what you have to do, except the counselors in the Wellness Center, which, if you have time, you should definitely go see. 

If you genuinely are having trouble balancing your commitments, consider quitting some obligations that are not serving you at the moment. In addition, let your friends know about your anxieties, and maybe they can help support you when you feel like you cannot hang out and have to do homework. If my advice column is your only safety net keeping you from plunging into the depths of stress, then I suggest you stop what you are doing and rethink your life. You are one of perhaps three people who read my column, and I am not so invested in this as to support individuals with emergencies. 

I hope this helped you, and I wish you the best in all of your endeavors. 

Signed, 

Simone

Dear Simone,

My feet are too long. My hair’s falling out and my rights are all wrong. My friends, they all tell me that I’ve no friends at all. Won’t you write me a letter, won’t you give me a call? 

Signed, 

Bewildered*

Dear Bewildered, 

Bewildered, Bewildered. You have no complaint. You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t. So listen up, buster, and listen up good: stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood. 

Signed, 

Simone 

Dear Simone, 

My fountain pen leaks. My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks. Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed. If it weren’t so expensive, I’d wish I were dead.

Signed, 

Unhappy*

Dear Unhappy, 

Unhappy, Unhappy, you have no complaint. You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t. So listen up, buster, and listen up good: stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood. 

Signed, 

Simone

*Adapted from John Prine’s “Dear Abby.” Dear Abby lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc.