I don’t want your gross emails

One day, way back when the dinosaurs had just been killed by a giant meteor, there were some cavemen sitting around a fire. Obviously, their means of entertainment was limited seeing as they were mainly focused on just surviving every day of their lives. But nevertheless, one of the cavemen decided to share with his fellow big-headed ones a story to help pass the time in between exciting events like finding food, eating it and pretending there was anything like personal hygiene back then. The cavemen had already established a series of guttural grunts and sounds to associate with certain concepts, but today this caveman decided to up his storytelling game. Much to the amazement of his friends, he took some dirt or charcoal or something and drew a shape on the wall (probably of a platypus that tried to maul his leg off). This shape became a part of his story as he defined it using their spoken dialect — and from there language took on a written form. 

Okay so maybe that was not exactly what went down a couple thousand years ago, but my point is the addition of a written form of language is exciting and probably made whoever started it, like, super popular within their cavemen group. There is something special about writing, a beauty within the shared symbols that we can use to communicate our thoughts and emotions to people all over the globe. 

Now you may be thinking, first of all, that I would make a horrible historian, which is arguable because historians use their personal interpretations of past events as factual information all the time, and that I am probably one of those hipster English major types who owns a typewriter and constantly rages about the purity of the pen over the keyboard. But you are wrong! I mean, I am an English major, and I do actually own a typewriter and I love it and even brought it to campus at one point, but it turns out other people do not enjoy the constant clicking noises of such a great machine like I do. Okay, and I do think the pen is much truer to the pure beautiful form of writing, and I personally think using a keyboard to convey your thoughts is pretty lame. 

But at least I am willing to admit at times the keyboard must be used due to the technological advancements of our times and my professors wanting neatly printed essays over my mistake-filled ones from my typewriter — no backspace or delete button on those bad boys. I will say, though, that although emails serve a purpose because they are quick and efficient and have spell check, I think they are super lame, and I hope I never get an email from you, dear reader.

If you ever wish to contact me about things such as how to never wear matching socks — a skill I proudly admit I have mastered for going on 12 years now — or how many stickers to put on your computer cover — the answer is all the stickers obviously — or even how to drive stick — not for the faint of heart — then please understand I only take written requests. And by written I mean those beautiful ancient creatures that have been misused and forgotten by society. They are the only true way to ask your friend over for tea using a business once majestically called “The Pony Express” that is now going bankrupt. Yes, I am talking about hand-written letters.

There is something so special about receiving a hand-written letter in the mail. Not only does it show that someone somewhere cares about you, but also that they care enough to sit down and personally write you, rather than just typing you some gross, uncultured email. Letters are magical. The whole process — from picking the paper and pen to use that day to finding an envelope and stamp, but not licking the envelope – that is nasty, to opening your mailbox and seeing something other than disgusting reminders from Lawrence that you owe them money laying there — is a beautiful process.

Letter writing is amazing, and it needs to become a thing that we do all the time again. It is a meaningful way to connect with the people around you, and it also shows you parts of them an email never could — like how bad their handwriting and spelling are! There is something so much more meaningful about a letter from someone that says “hey your pretty cute” versus a message you get on your phone at 2 a.m. that says the same thing. So in conclusion, to anyone who ever wishes to contact me about anything, please understand I only accept letters and also food and monetary donations are acceptable if enclosed with the letter.