What’s on your mind, ants?

Pets are such a big part of our lives, but do you ever guess what they are thinking? Each week, I will take a different “pet” and write their “inner thoughts.” 

Hey, what up? Yes you up there! Do you think about us down here? We ants march and you humans stomp. We follow trails and so do you, stepping on our fellow ant-comrades. We are so strong we hope that someday we can carry you humans away just like Bikini Bottom and make the entirety of one of your Hiett rooms an ant-only zone. Sorry, but you have to be this small to pass. We do actually make the rules. Give up your power up there and give in to the ants who are more united than divided, and we are happy to say that our lottery numbers are good enough to get that quad before you. And if not, don’t worry…we’ll move in around spring term, if that’s cool? 

Well, that’s our more aggressive side. We just love sugar, sugar, sugar, follow the line, the smell, the taste until we find your overflowing recycling, who cares if you know how to recycle properly and rinse out your cans, we can still taste the Cafe lemonade. Nice. I guess it has more sugar in it than you are supposed to have in a day? Well that’s good for my colony of ants. Our mandibles really crave the feeling of digging into something sweet. I mean, in the wild we also love being omnivores. Plant or fruit sap, milk, the living or the dead, you name it we try to eat it. 

And we are so strong! SO strong! Did you know that? Let’s say it again, big enough so you can hear it: WE ARE STRONG, HUMANS! When we said that we want to move you like Bikini Bottom (we know the reference because we are cool and we relate), I actually think that we as a species can at least move a few people and I mean that is pretty cool and I mean who knows until we prove it, yeah? So don’t count us out. Little kids around 2005 might remember a National Geographic special that proved we are MIGHTY. Don’t even get us started on our cousins, fire ants. They are hardcore. They will mess you up, because they do sting and they can even strip animals to their bones. 

Maybe this makes the average Ormsby ant seem less cool? Well what about when we come in armies to your rooms? Crawling around, up your charging cable or on your water bottle or even on your little toe! You don’t see us until you feel us and then there are always more of us and you’ll never find us all and as long as one of us can smell your precious sugar food we will come and stay and you can vacuum us up but no no that won’t change anything! See you next week, next year, who cares if you stop eating in your bedroom. 

For my fake friends who find us scarier than spiders, I mean, thanks! We appreciate our scare quality. But you are fake friends because you would rather kill our colonies than face the facts! We need your food. Yeah, I said it. You feel selfish? Aww. Maybe watch where you’re walking, too! 

And for those of you who look at us and feel no fear? Watch any close-up video of us and you’ll never look at us the same, chumps. We are superior, and dangerous, and just imagine us on your scale. Every one of us who crawls on your leg or on your wall or desk or in the grass or maybe who narrowly avoids death on sidewalk, we think…what if this was our world? Remember that. And feel lucky that it’s just us, common black ants, and NOT fire ants.