It’s stress and it’s all oh let me do that and then I guess I’ll stay up and do that and that and that for tomorrow yes tomorrow even though tonight, tonight I need to get sleep because tomorrow, tomorrow I have 8:30 class. I have class but I have work for that class work for the next class work between classes because I have time, yes, plenty of time to do A and B and C and D and E and й. And I guess it doesn’t matter anymore or at least it’s not supposed to but it’s one year one year of capstones (2) and hard work but real work is outside, need to apply, should apply, will I? And where will that be, if I find the time, if I have the time, where will I go? But isn’t this important, and I’m hearing that’s important? Is the club important more important than Russian more important than capstones more important than life after here more important than trombone more important than self-care more important than friendships more important than relationships more important what’s more important what is it school or work or fun or health? Either way I’m overworked working so hard I want time, time to myself, supposedly I got that already sure it was my choice, my choice to work but not really I mean. I mean they say one thing and it’s not actually that one thing and then you spend four years of your time doing that one thing, actually four things because that was your choice. And you do those things and you learn that you’re behind but it’s time, time to mind the gap between your college self and your real adult self and you need to move on but hasn’t it been six years in pandemic time? You’re already mentally gone, done, finished. But there’s time, supposedly. Supposedly, that’s what I hear. I hear oh you don’t need to worry it’ll work out or stop planning there’s still time still time, really, still time? But aren’t I behind? Shouldn’t I have worried more thought more done more planned more. Wish I had more time. The dismissive will say it doesn’t matter, and that’s fine but it’s not yours to worry about it’s mine. So I hear the sounds of those notifications coming in and I never stop responding because I need to keep sending and planning and making sure it will be there and people will care and not just pretend to care but actually care and feel and want to make it better and have it be better because of what we did what we did for this school and for the world. So many momentous moments actions ideas papers crammed into fractions of time that I don’t have so I take away from other tasks and say that’s fine but is it really? I am not sure I can’t decide what I’m supposed to be a student a president a worker bee should I give into apathy tell me please I think all or none or I give up it’s time to be done, but then where do I go? Leave it up to the list, I guess.
Laundry List.
