The following is a work of satire. 

Aries: Go to Woodman’s. Buy any canned food that repulses you. Eat that shit right out of the can in the Woodman’s parking lot with your filthy paws. God intended us to live this way.

Taurus: Catch the 8pm-Saturday-night movie at your local theater. Sit right by the projector and make little hand-shadow-puppets. Then, people can watch the movie and also see your hand puppets.

Gemini: Open a blacksmith shop where Lou’s Brew used to be. We don’t need any more expensive coffee. We need more candlesticks, armor, and nuts and bolts.

Cancer: Call your doctors office and tell them you have a BAD case of the giggles. Your doctor will think you are so cute. They might even cover your next co-pay.

Leo: Start a GoFundMe so you can rent an inflatable the next time you feel sad. I recommend renting the one that’s an inflatable ball pit. Hard to feel sad in one of those.

Virgo: Go up to people and say “Hey, what’s behind you?” and as they turn around, get on the ground and start doing the worm. #YouJustGotWormd.

Libra: As you walk around campus, think about what would happen if you were not walking around campus. Think about if you were baking a frittata.

Scorpio: Buy a bunch of those sticky hands that you win at arcades. Put one on every Lawrence poster you see. This is just the beginning of the Sticky more sticky campaign.

Sagittarius: Go to a restaurant and admit to the waitress that you snuck into the showing of “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2” when you were 12. It’s time you get that off your chest.

Capricorn: Audition for American Idol with a Taio Cruz multi-song mashup. Include choreography and tears.

Aquarius: Buy yourself a rolex. That’s right. A nice one, too. Then when people ask you how you afforded it, you can say, “I am $17,000 in debt” and start crying and throwing up.

Pisces: Next time you see someone with a beard, say, ”Hey man, nice beard. It would be a real shame if the ticklemonster got to it.”