Week 8 Horoscopes

Please do not actually follow these or you will be sad and might be held accountable by law.

Aries: Think about doing a DIY Slip n’ Slide this week. All you need is a tarp, water, and some good pals. Beware of tiny pebbles.

Taurus: Fill your hydro-flask with soft-serve from Andrew Commons. As a means of making new friends in class,  you can whisper to your lab partner, “There’s soft serve in there”. They will LOVE you.

Gemini: Go buy a Webkinz. I don’t even know if they sell them in stores anymore. I’d assume  Ebay is your best bet. Good fairing.

Cancer: Tame a wild bird scooter and keep it in your dorm room. Their natural diet consists of Panda Express and Diet Coke. 

Leo: Sign up to run a marathon, however, instead of running just do that Gangnam style dance for about 26 miles. That is so much more impressive than running.

Virgo: Next time someone asks you what you’re doing after college tell them that you’re trying to get into the coal mining industry. People love people who love fossil fuels. Im joking.

Libra: Attempt making an at-home funnel cake. If it tastes as good as the ones at the fair, a stout man on stilts will show up in your kitchen and crown you as the funnel-monarch.

Scorpio: Write a check for a half a million dollars and give it to your significant other. It’s so cool how you can just give money to people with checks. 

Sagittarius: Buy a $500,000 RV. Show all your friends. Feel haunted by how a car can be so scary. 

Capricorn: Find a mechanical bull somewhere. Put a bunch of super glue on the bottom of your pants and impress all the cowboys in your area.

Aquarius: Think about not filing your taxes next year. Just think about it, though. You will still  have to submit them or face a trial by law.

Pisces: Invest in a unicycle. Lots of people are good at bicycling. The only people who are good at unicycling? Well those guys are a bunch of clowns. Change the narrative.