How to Get an A in Advanced Creative Writing

With his back up stiff to the blackboard, our professor dropped six Saltine crackers onto the table in front of him. He grinned, showing one crooked tooth against cracked lips as he pulled a phone out of his back jeans pocket and set a minute-long timer.

“Who wants to try?” he said. We had one minute to eat six saltine crackers. No water. No coke. No beer. You do that? You got an A for the semester. No tedious workshops or analysis papers on books we hadn’t read. A simple task for a simple letter of the alphabet plastered into its rightful place on our transcripts.

The first volunteer cracked his neck and shoved three crackers into his mouth.
I could smell the salt from across the room. His eyes watered at the timer ticked down to
45 seconds. He pushed to swallow, throwing his back into the entire process as those eyes blurred behind tears. He shook his head with violent force; I tried to remember my old CPR classes from way back when. But then he caved, surrendered to the beast that was our Creative Writing professor as he waved on the next bold tribute.

This candidate crushed six crackers in his fist and tried to spout them in like a funnel, trinkling the dusty particles with frantic eyes on the phones watch. He made good progress, until the phone alarm shredded the class’s ears and he hung his head low, spitting the salty particulars into the closest bin.

We stared at the last six crackers. The professor grabbed his phone and said, “These will sit here the rest of the term. One more person has a shot at the easy A. In the meantime, let’s get to work.”

I didn’t dare, nor did anyone else. The class had 16 students. I believe we ended up with 16 A’s. But I sure as hell know it had nothing to do with those six Saltine crackers.