(Or the real reason Plato was removed from the First-Year Studies curriculum)
I’ve seen him. It’s true, he likes to hang in the vents, yes, those vents. He’s a chain smoker; he’s sorry about setting off the fire alarms all the time. He’s allowed to venture to Colman once a week; his favorite spot to hang out is the North Wing lounge. You probably caught him emanating whisps of smoke from the microwave. It’s not the first-years burning popcorn. It’s him.
I asked him how he died while out last Halloween. He thought my costume was cute, so he told me.
His study group was discussing Book 6 in Plato, meeting in the Ormsby lobby. They made a charcuterie board of rare cheeses, leaving the knife sticking out of the block.
He made a bold claim, one which would end his life.
“‘The Half-Blood Prince’ is better than Plato. At least Harry Potter doesn’t put me to sleep.”
He was real confident too. He was so confident that he hadn’t seen his classmate’s face turn bright red. He hadn’t seen that the knife had disappeared from the gouda cheese block. He didn’t hear his classmate, who was a generally peaceful fellow, say, “Plato is god. I’m about to Avada your Kedavra.”
The study group called Campus Safety. The Plato-enthused murderer had run from the premises after sticking the cheese knife in the Plato-hater’s neck. They covered the body up and buried a deep hole next to Ormsby Hall. They claimed the blood stains on the carpet were ketchup. They never found the murderer or the victim, for the claims were that neither existed.
I asked why the Ormsby Ghost was doomed to remain in the basement. He said that was the price of disrespecting Plato. That administration hid the story, and made a deal with Plato to make his work mandatory from that point on.
When I heard his story, I emailed administration. I threatened to reveal the story; tell the world about the real story behind the Ormsby Ghost unless they took Plato off of the First-Year Studies curriculum for good. The Ormsby Ghost is free now, as are the First-Years of 2024, of Plato.