Specht Pages: A new thrill on campus

Kevin Specht

The Warch Campus Center, the crown jewel of Lawrence’s student facilities, was completed in 2009 at a cost of around $35,000,000. This building houses a cinema, three eateries, mail services, campus life offices, a computer lab, study rooms, LEED Gold Certification and non-flushing futuristic urinals.

“What more could we ask for?” you may ask…

My response: Speeds of over 90 miles per hour! A length of over a mile! A peak of over 300 feet! And a duration of 2 minutes! Ladies and folks, I suggest that if we could do it all over again, we would use the $35,000,000 to add a less elegant “Campus Center” for $10,000,000 and used the other $25,000,000 for one of the best roller coasters known to man.

This roller coaster would start on the Kohler roof, followed by an ascent up the main slope to a maximum height of 300 feet. This would be followed by a drop into a loop-de-loop that crosses Lawe street, a spiral around the Nipple of Knowledge, a splash into the Fox River, and would actually go though the new, crappier Campus Center building.

This roller coaster would attract an untapped population of prospective Lawrentians who seek a thrill that you just cannot currently find in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Prospective student Ridley Tankersley says: “Yes, I would in fact attend for sure if there were a roller coaster that would take me to my 8:30 class.”

In a recent survey of current students, approximately 7 out of 10 students believe that a roller coaster on campus would increase the retention rate.

The only problem is that the money needed for the time machine to actually go back in time and spend the money differently would overshadow the cost of the roller coaster project.