Ask A Fifth-Year: What’s going on?

Jacob Horn


Dear Jacob,

What’s going on?

Signed, Made-Up Person For The Sake Of This Article

Thanks for asking, Made-Up. Short answer? Not much. That’s why this article is going to be nearly as boring as all of my previous ones. Before, I at least had a specific topic to adhere to, and could make appropriate pop-culture references to spice up the column. But no, all I have is the broadest question and whatever I can get my hands on while I type this at my desk.

I can’t even rant about what’s going on by ripping on the Op/Ed section of last week’s **The Lawrentian.** Stacey, you’re still talking about the overloading fees? Old news. I whined about that weeks ago.

Some freshman crying that he didn’t get into the classes he wanted and might have to wake up before 8:30 for a class? Here’s a secret: attendance isn’t mandatory. Take a class in a big lecture hall. Also, get some goddamn sleep or drink some coffee. I’d hate to see how you’d function outside of a college context. That’s another thing; I encourage each and every one of you loyal readers to please submit your wonderfully inept and incomprehensible opinions to **The Lawrentian.** They’re my fuel for this column. Together, we can make my column have a purpose again.

So, nothing’s going on around campus if our newspaper is to be believed. Which is why I’m going to spend the rest of this column talking about the important issues. For example, myself.

It seems that for post-graduation, most of my classmates — and I use the term “classmates” loosely since, you know, I’m a fifth year and all my friends left this place years ago — have three alternatives: grad school, landing that dream job and convincing their parents that moving back into their old room is a good investment.

Somehow, I’ve managed to avoid all three. And that’s why my answer is “Not much.”

Everything is pretty straightforward from here. I’ve got a job lined up along with a pretty exciting internship doing what I love. I’ve also got a couch with my name on it so that I don’t have to pay rent or burden my parents with my presence. I’ve struck gold in the realm of mediocrity.

So that means that I’m left with very little to do, other than to wait. Which isn’t half bad, except now all of my time is spent waiting. That’s too much of a commitment for me, so I’d rather have something to do with my time rather than wasting it on waiting. I’m tempted to take up some old hobbies of mine like whittling, accordion, and smiling.

Also, with all this talk of overloading and waking up before 8:30 for class, all I can say is that I’m taking two classes right now. I’m doing Spanish 201 and a creative writing class. So suck it.

If you have something more specific that you’d like me to rant about, send a question my way at