In her column “In Defense of Singledom,” Stacey Day expresses her disdain for college relationships and laments the death of casual dating.
According to Day, most college relationships are a product of neediness and codependence, and needy couples make out everywhere and piss off the rest of us.
While I am similarly disdainful of college relationships — especially those that are way too public — I think Day’s column fails to expose the essence of college romance. Let me put this bluntly: Dating someone in college is akin to hiring a prostitute.
Now check out this flawless logic. Since we pay to go to college, we pay to meet anyone we meet in college. So if you are in a relationship with your significant other in college, you are paying to be in that relationship. If you are having sex with your significant other in college, you are paying to have sex with them. Ergo, your relationship is akin to hiring a prostitute. And if you are not having sex with your significant other, your relationship is akin to hiring a pricey and unreliable escort.
Of course, the only people more pathetic than the clients who slobber over their hired prostitutes in public are those of us who aren’t in college relationships. We pay thousands of dollars a year and get nothing in return!
Now, I know some of you might say, “But Sam, don’t we pay for our educations?!” That’s bologna. Everyone knows that you pay college tuition in order to have sex, do drugs, drink and vandalize Sage. And to think that I’ve spent the last four years reading books, writing papers, playing music and having intellectually stimulating discussions! That’s a whole new low.
I mean, the only thing worse than awkwardly making out in the library is actually going there to study.