The Specht Pages: Excellence and Prophesy

Ever since this fine column was thrust into alliance with Lawrence University’s The Lawrentian back in September of 2012, Specht Pages has provided the student newspaper with a refreshing view of campus and student life. We have made numerous suggestions for improving the institution which we all love, provided world-class reporting, shared recipes, published interviews, and made the push to produce (for the first time in The Lawrentian’s history) a commercially viable newspaper.

In honor of all these accomplishments and to celebrate the perpetually increasing level of journalistic excellence demonstrated by Specht Pages, it has been unanimously decided by all of us at Specht Pages that the first annual Specht Pages Award for Journalistic Excellence is awarded to Specht Pages.

Grand Marshal and CEO Kevin Specht will accept this award with much fanfare on Wednesday, April 17 in the comfort of his own dorm. Further, he will also be given a round-trip vacation, scheduled for reading period, to beautiful Nashville, Tennessee. All expenses paid.

With the presentation of this award and in the name of progress, we have decided that it is time to move this publication to weird, new places. So, this week’s issue will not report on a news story or give a zany solution for a problem that you might not have realized even exists. Rather, in this issue, we will be providing all of you with false prophesy.

Aries: Your best friend will turn into a squid, but no one will believe you.

Taurus: Petting a dog will, in fact, give you good luck on your test. However, when your professor gets hives from the resultant allergic reaction, it will be your job to harvest the honey.

Gemini: You may not know why you are a music major, but you do know that you enjoy the yummy benefits of going to your friends’ recitals.

Cancer: Next time you look up to the Nipple of Knowledge, remember that with each smile you give, you will receive two more in your next life.

Leo:                In the next week, don’t be surprised if you find yourself ankle-deep in shag carpet and fish sticks. Weird, I know.

Virgo: After a long shift at Bon Appétit, you will learn both the meaning of life and your purpose from someone to whom you have never spoken before.

Libra: You will find more joy in smashing an ice cream cone in someone’s hair than you would have if you simply ate it. I promise.

Scorpio: The Lawrence University Shopping Shuttle will become of great use to you after  you learn that your favorite childhood restaurant is walking distance from the Fox River Mall.

Sagittarius: By Wednesday, you will finally achieve your dream of becoming a critical thinker and problem solver who thinks logically and sequentially. Congratulations.

Capricorn: You will invent a new type of hat that doubles as a shield and ladder in a pinch.

Aquarius: This week will finally change your liberal view of water boarding.

Pisces: The phrase “pleasure is fleeting” will take on new meaning for you when you are approached for directions to Menasha.

Final thoughts: Senior vegan and tuba player Alex Norris has found a winning ticket on the first floor of the campus center. His prize was a DVD set of cartoons. There are still 12 tickets left!

Also, the Specht Pages team has evaluated the water fountains (or “bubblers,” as they prefer to be called) on campus, and we have determined that the two best bubblers on campus are located on the second floor of Brokaw Hall and on the east side of the third floor of The Mudd. Congratulations to both bubblers. Each will receive a Specht Pages authorized Certificate of Excellence in the coming days.

“You heard it first on Specht Pages.”