Welcome back to the spookiest of spooky animals according to me. Here, we will finally put an end to the age old question: what is the spookiest animal (according to Madeira)?
FIVE: GEESE
Whoever made a goose the figurehead for children’s stories is bad at choosing figureheads for children’s stories. Mother Goose will not read to you, children. She will chase you until your little legs give out and then she will bite you and her weird tongue with teeth all over it with shred you up and you will think “Why? Why did I ever approach such a gentle and simple looking creature?” To which Mother Goose will reply “Honk.” Which is a funny sound.
FOUR: RACCOONS
Ah, yes, the adorable raccoon. They take their little foods in their little hands, and they wash things, and, oh, they are so cute with their little bandit masks. You fool! That devilish fiend will absolutely use its little razor sharp teeth to bite your friggin’ face off! Seriously, it’s a wild animal, and it would probably find your entrails delicious.
THREE: MOSQUITOES
If you have read my work before, you know that I am no fan of the mosquito. And, if you are a human being, you should be no fan of the mosquito either. Those ruthless suckers go out with the purpose of causing you harm to gain sustenance. Rude. Then, on top of that, they also don’t care if they spread parasites or diseases. Then, to make matters worse, they’re everywhere. There’s just about no place you won’t find a mosquito. Go to the very bottom of the Marianas Trench, I swear to God one’s waiting with a big heaping helping of malaria.
TWO: TICKS
You know what’s worse than a gross little flying bug that sucks your blood and then flies away? One that doesn’t fly away. I don’t like looking at pictures of those guys. I don’t like thinking about them. Writing this is making my skin crawl. I’m done. I can’t anymore.
ONE: HORSES
Now I know you’re readying Facebook right now to start listing all of the reasons that horses are not spooky, and how you’ve been riding horses for ages, and how horses are great therapy animals, and horses are incredible majestic creatures, and I know. I’ve heard it. I’ve read it. I’ve seen it. Doesn’t change the fact that they are enormous beasts made of muscle and fear. On average, horses kill more people a year than sharks. I am more afraid to stand near a horse than I am most weapons. That’s because a horse is a weapon with a brain. One that humans have exploited for far too long…
And there you have it, folks! Do you agree with my list? If you do, that’s incredible! We have a lot in common! Happy Halloween!
