Local Farmer Donates 30 Acres to Cult

Article courtesy of Kate Youdell of Respectful and Tasteful Satire (RATS)

A local farmer in the northern Wisconsin area recently donated 30 acres of land to a local cult. However, ‘donated’ doesn’t seem to be the most accurate phrase.

“I don’t quite remember how it happened,” said Robert Johnson, dairy farmer. “They just appeared one day, and the next thing I knew, they were setting up their tents 500 yards from the house.”

The cult in question, referring to themselves as “Demeter’s Children of the Wheat,” had nothing to say, aside from things like: “join us;” “the Divine Harvest is almost upon us;” and “please help” (this member was immediately dragged away and shut into the barn for a “time out.”)

Farmer Johnson told reporters that he hadn’t had any trouble with the cult thus far. “They’re not very loud, but every once in awhile, I’ll hear a strange sort of screaming, usually whenever they go into the barn for “re-education” time,” he said. “Nice people, for the most part. They bring me a loaf of bread and some raw meat every morning. I’m not sure where they’re getting the meat, though.”

The cult leader, referring to herself as “Mama Oatmeal,” said that they hoped to bring Farmer Johnson into the fold before the end of the month. “The Divine Harvest is upon us!” She kept shrieking into the reporters’ faces. “We must prepare! The Great Mother shall come and reap the souls of the blasphemous! The gluten-free shall be struck down! Hail Demeter!”

When reporters asked to see the barn, Mama Oatmeal and her associates refused to let them in.

“It is a place of peaceful reflection and repentance,” another member, Biscuit, and his sister, Baguette, said in perfect unison without managing to blink for the entire duration of the ten-minute interview. “The Barn is sacred. Outsiders are unworthy.”

Some reporters have failed to return from the dairy farm, and the ones that have are claiming they have had their worldviews changed.

“The Divine Harvest is coming,” one reporter said this morning. “We must prepare. Demeter will rise again.”

He then commandeered a corporate van and took several other reporters with him, all of them chanting, “Demeter will rise again!”

At this time, there has been no more correspondence from Farmer Johnson or the cult.