Nuclear Winter

I am sure that it is not just me who quakes in terror knowing that Trump probably has wet dreams where he launches the USA’s entire nuclear arsenal out of his Cialis® inflated d***. The threat of a nuclear war followed by a nuclear winter is becoming more and more of a reality with the unpredictable and irrational behaviors of the Commander in Chief. The idea of a nuclear war and its fallout destroying humankind is a predominantly negative one, for obvious reasons. But just hear me out: I know that there is pretty much a unanimous agreement that a nuclear winter would spell the end of humankind, and I will not dispute that. However, there could be a silver lining to the soot cloud that threatens to extinguish all life on earth. All I am trying to say is that amid the mass chaos and inevitable doom, a nuclear winter ***would*** actually have some benefits that many of us fail to appreciate.
Before I share the benefits with you, I will explain what a nuclear winter is. For those who do not know, a nuclear winter is the result of mass nuclear war causing widespread firestorms that inject an immense cloud of soot into the atmosphere, effectively absorbing the sun’s rays and destroying the ozone layer. Without the sun’s rays, all life on earth would die. For people who are not immediately obliterated by the blast wave itself, its aftershock is sure to kill the rest of life on earth due to the immediate and long-term effects. The immediate effects of a nuclear winter would include a severe drop in temperature, due to the lack of sunlight reaching the earth’s surface, as well as a notable decrease in rainfall. The drop in temperature and rainfall would not only wipe out populations on its own, but it would also contribute to mass food and water shortages and subsequent famine and starvation. The planet would then be exposed to massive amounts of ultraviolet rays as a result of the depletion of the ozone layer, killing anything else that did not die initially. Today, you would be hard pressed to find a scientist who does not agree to some extent in a nuclear winter’s potential to wipe out human civilization.
Since we all have to live with this constant fear looming behind our backs, I decided to find some fun and cool things that would make a decade-long nuclear winter more enjoyable:
1. Who likes skiing? I know I do! Unfortunately, summer is always a drag because there is no snow. But get this: in a nuclear winter, there could be blizzards in July! There will be skiing all year round for everyone to enjoy, so take those poles out of storage and start waxing your skis. Just remember that higher altitudes will make you more susceptible to the increased UV radiation.
2. Floridians: are you plagued by the lack of bearable temperatures in your area? Well a nuclear winter is the perfect fix! Temperatures will drop to just the right levels, allowing you to live comfortably for once in your life. Just be careful not to go outside without a hat and sunglasses: the UV rays will bake your skin from the inside out if you are not covered up.
3. Night owls rejoice! With the millions of tons of black soot blanketing the atmosphere, there will be perpetual darkness, which is especially good news for those of us who just cannot stand the harsh daylight. Be sure to remember to wear a respirator of some sort, as the smoke and soot can definitely increase your chances of contracting diseases.
4. With ocean temperatures decreasing, thick sheets of ice will begin to take over bodies of water. Break out your ice skates and start practicing; you will need a distraction from the dwindling resources and widespread panic. What better way to distract yourself from famine than taking to the ice for some wholesome family fun?
I hope this list of things can lighten your mood regarding the ultimate disintegration of the human species harbored by a nuclear war. If these do not dampen the searing undercurrent of panic radiating through your bones, sometimes it is best to welcome sweet death with open arms.