Local Girl Proclaims She’s “Not Like Other Girls”—She’s Worse

Article courtesy of Kate Youdell of Respectful and Tasteful Satire (RATS)

She’s not your average manic pixie dream girl. She’s different. She’s unique, she’s not a poser, and she’s definitely not mainstream. She’s something else entirely.

Reporters met the girl in question at her home behind the dumpsters by Hiett Hall late Sunday afternoon. She informed them the cardboard box she inhabited was, in fact, quite warm and that she was roommates with a family of badgers who refused to pay rent.

“I’m not like other girls, I’m worse,” she told them, while serving tea out of what looked mysteriously like an urn for a deceased relative. “I’m not into snapchatting, or tweeting or anything. Tumblr is for amateurs. I only use pigeons to communicate. It’s hard to coordinate plans with friends, but whatever.”

She told reporters she only answered to the name “Wisteria June Rothschild” and her dream in life was to either be a professional seashell painter or physical therapist for three-legged horses.

“I’m not about the ‘breakfasts at midnight’ and dyeing my hair pastel colors,” she said, shoving 3 cigarettes into her mouth at once. “I’m about the grittier stuff. Picnics in graveyards. Coffee with one-armed hobos. Stealing lonely pets from pet stores. That’s what I’m talking about.”

When questioned about other ‘manic pixie dream girls’ like Zooey Deschanel, or Alaska from Looking for Alaska, Wisteria June just rolled her eyes. “Those girls are wannabes, they’re only scratching the surface of what it truly means to be a manic pixie dream girl. They think it’s cute to be klutzy, but that just means they stumble and laugh a lot. You gotta mean it. Don’t just be klutzy, break a rib. Don’t wait for a man to find you; find a man, be everything he dreamed of and then steal his identity and run away to Europe. That’s what a real manic pixie dream girl is.”

When asked her hobbies, she was happy to explain. “I only watch movies made from 1937-38, because that was peak Hollywood, before they sold out to the mainstream machine. I only listen to the most underground bands, even your ‘hipster’ friends haven’t heard of them. My favorite group is the Quivering Blue Trashcans.”

As it was sunset, she shooed reporters from her home so she could go lay in the street and stare at the sky until it was time for her graveyard picnic with the family of badgers she was rooming with.

Reporters have not heard from her since, although she has promised to send a pigeon later on in the week, with updates into her lifestyle as the ‘ultimate manic pixie dream girl.”

 

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