Old White Male Legislator Knows Best Haircut for all Women

Article courtesy of Sydney DeMets of Respectful and Tasteful Satire (RATS)

Oklahoma—Insisting that this haircut is really “the best look” for all women, State Representative James Korning proposed to Oklahoma legislators to limit women’s hairstyles to what some hairstylists consider to be the 1950s flip.

The initial proposal was met with confusion due to the vague description of the hairstyle. All the public had to run off of was Representative Korning’s description of his envisioned hairstyle as “the one with the curls on the end and the top a bit higher.” This confusion was slightly cleared when Representative Korning drew a small crumpled picture of his wife in out of his wallet and held it up as reference for other representatives. The picture, taken in 1957, is of low quality and has caused some debate amongst professional hairstylists as to what exactly the hairdo is supposed to look like. However, a general consensus amongst these professionals has been drawn to provide women with the 1950s flip.

This new proposal, called “The Beautification Act,” states that women wearing their hair in any other style than the flip are to be fined and jailed, and any stylist found to be providing women with illegal hairstyles will be imprisoned for up to thirty years and lose their certification.

Needless to say, the “Beauti-fication Act” has inspired outrage at many beauty salons. Drew Mazetti, master hairstylist, is one of the leaders of the bill’s opposition.

“When I first heard of the proposal, my first thought was, ‘Jesus, that hairstyle died in 1960 for a reason.’ Have these fools ever heard of face shape? Personality? What if she has curly hair?”

Women on the street have also expressed anger, saying that the bill, which outlaws all hair dyes that are not blonde and hairstyles other than the flip, increases the amount of time and money spent on hair.

“What the hell,” Rachel Widra, 18, stated. “I roll out of bed and go to class. I don’t do my hair. Now I would have to spend at least 40 minutes every day straightening my hair then spraying cancerous chemicals into it to make it stay like that. What about our health? What about money? Were those even taken into consideration?”

However, some members of the public have turned up in favor of the bill.

“It made women hotter in the 1950s. Why shouldn’t it work now?” asked one self-identified meninist.

Lawmakers have denied that this bill is just another attempt to control women and their bodies, instead saying that they are truly vested in making society a more beautiful place and have a one-size-fits-all solution.

“Just trust us,” one hundred white male state representatives said on Monday, “We are tired of seeing these haggard looking women. We plan on beautifying women and honestly, have been for thousands of years. Women only got ugly after women’s liberation. So we men are taking control again to make them the fairer sex once more. And we plan on doing that for many, many years to come.”



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