LATE bullet trains

In surprising news, Lawrence University has announced plans to utilize the long-unused railroad tracks that run behind the Warch campus center. Disclosed via secret emails and select SPC notices, the University plans to have a bullet train that will stop at every academic building.

Headed by the newly formed Lawrence Associative Transportation Executives (LATE), the bullet train is designed to combat the increasing amount of students who do not arrive to their classes on time. The president of the committee, who has refused to release his name, stated that it has been observed for years that the ten minute passing period between classes is not enough time, especially in the Spring Term. He went on to attribute the weather as the leading cause, saying, “Yeah, like, it’s just so nice outside that students lollygag, you know? With the train, they get to their classes on time, and have time to lollygag.”

He further stated that he is a fan of “lollygagging” and sees the train as a way to encourage students to enjoy the weather and get to classes on time. While I have not been able to talk to any administrators directly, I have learned that the City of Appleton was not aware of this development. I was told by a trusted representative that the city would contact Lawrence and give them a “talking-to.”

When students were asked about the bullet train, many responded with shock and bewilderment, while others seemed to become nervous and closed off. One student, who asked me to credit them as G.B., said they are “not surprised” by the choices of LATE on behalf of Lawrence University, and knew the university’s utilization of the railroad tracks was only “a matter of time.”

 

Tia Colbert

Expert in Cereal Discourse

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