World News

Compiled by Alex “Claire Zimmerman” Dahl

The Vatican

The Vatican declared war on Switzerland. The Pope was quoted saying, “I’m tired of them rubbing their watches, banks, chocolates and knives in our face.” Leader of Switzerland, Alain Berset, replied, “Bring it on little boy.”

Poland

Denver, Colo., was hit by three consecutive typhoons. Loss of life was high because once the storms passed the mountains, the typhoons bounced around the city like ping pong balls in a soup pot.

Uzbekistan

Uzbekistan is gone.

Kenya

Kenya declared a national celebration when President Uhuru Kenyatta discovered the name of the country he rules is found in his own last name. The announcement was met with roused confusion, alarm and gratitude.

World

The World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) have finally decided to end the confusion and merge the two corporations. The WWWWFE will open on the market this Wednesday. Planned operations include panda cage fights and The Undertaker helping whooping cranes migrate.

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